07/25/09: Also Worth Noting

There are some things that will haunt my dreams as long as I live. Things like this.

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Reason #94821 NYC is a great city: A man who has made a career prancing around in his underpants is a viable contender for mayor.

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An entire article about the acceptability of "the N-word" in politics? Is this really a topic everyone doesn't already agree on?

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Finally a stimulus job for which the BHB is qualified. And by "qualified," I mean, "less likely to fail at."

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Frankly, I've told weirder stories than this to get out of trouble.

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Why does Barry set himself up for ridicule by saying things like this within minutes of preaching the value of pro-choice social policies. Regardless of the politics at stake, it is absurdly dumb.

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If you are familiar with Star Wars IV, this action figure is a bit sad.

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If I've said it once, I've said it 37 times: Do not marry a porn star after being elected to public office.

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A sinmple solution for the sags and shifts that beset a 77-year-old body: Cut off the main attractions and start over.

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I remember being 10-years-old and really wanting candy, so who am I to judge this young man?

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Why do questions of class and race remain undiscussed or unresolved in any productive way? Because the types of people considered the "foremeost authority on race issues" are the ones who shout "I'll speak wit yo mama!" at cops. It's not a question of us being unwilling to talk about race and its roll in modern society, it's that the people who do most of the talking and who are exulted by peers and the media are raving morons -- a condition wholly independent of race.

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The great State of Washington (and Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Vermont) apparently has no age minimum to go hunting alone. A four-year-old can LITERALLY wander into the forest and start shooting. Even TEXAS has a age minimum.

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South Korea is way ahead of us when it comes to consumer electroncis, but we are light years out in front in the pop music department. I mean... wow.

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Here's a religious icon that can bring science and theology together at last.

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If you like sports and electronic music, this song is pretty much the best thing ever. EVER.

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Someone cracked the code for KFC. Are congratulations in order? The obesity gods must be smiling.

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I get the feeling Joe Biden is as surprised by the things his mouth says as we are.

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A Seattle Seahawk's receiver who is upset at the skills given to his video game persona has vowed "I'm not playing Madden no more." So I suppose that means he is playing the game some more?

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If only all PSAs could be this engaging. And easily applicable.

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Sure you've seen (and been disappointed by) the most recent two Transformers movie, but let's take a look back at the original.

07/04/09: Also Worth Noting

If you dont like this song, I have no time for you.

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Gary Coleman is at the center of a domestic violence case. He was not the one inflicting the violence.

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NYC, I am ashamed of you. Air guitar? Really?

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I'm trying to think of something positive to say about inventing useless stuff just for the sake of inventing it. I'm sure it's helpful eventually, right?

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The e-mails exchanged by the South Carolina governor and his girlfriend are pretty tame. I always imagined that if a corny white guy was cheating on his wife with an exotic Brazilian reporter, things would be a lot more exciting.

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Once upon a time we waged a brutal, pitched conflict with the Soviets, and today we hammer out cyberspace treaties with our enemies. Remarkable. This seems like the right time to mention a remake of Red Dawn is in the works. I'm depressed by both developments.

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Somewhere in this family-wide time lapse photography there is a joke, but I can't come up with it.

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If you aren't delightfully amused by this piece of political satire, then go back to your cartoons. Notice I didn't say "brilliant" or "accurate" or "rational" -- I said "amusing."

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Apparently the entire planet is one single ant colony. Not figuratively, but literally.

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Japan is well underway with a project to create "super tuna" for eventual commercial harvest. Don't they recall what happened when they tried something similar with otherwise normal lizards?

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I've seen a lot of people get beat up (for example), but never for this reason.

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This makes me feel safer: "President Barack Obama says he is 'not reconciled' to the idea of Iran obtaining a nuclear weapon within a year." I can't wait to gauge his level of reconciliation when Tel Aviv or Boston is a smoking crater.

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I know I've asked this rhetorical question before, but, I'll offer this querry again: Do you know what happens when you give clearly insane people an unlimited supply of money? This. It takes a lot for me to look at cake but still not be hungry.

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If you enjoy The Soup, then you're probably as excited as I am for this show.

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In an effort to remain solvent without needing to do anything absurd like cut spending, New Jersey has decided to increase taxes on the people who pay the most taxes to start with. It's a brilliant tactic that will, of course, cause all these taxpayers to leave. When you notice NJ for sale on e-Bay this October, you'll know why.

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Sure, it's a time of mourning, but that doesn't mean Al Sharpton (the reverend, keep in mind) can't honor the memory of the King of Pop by grinding on some random skank.

Dogs Bites to the Face, And Other Things Obama's Healthcare Plan Won't Fix

Barry-O's scary wife has some really interesting ideas about health care reform, i.e. implementing universal health care regardless of the cost.

As the debate over health care reform escalates on Capitol Hill and in the White House, first lady Michelle Obama told "Good Morning America" in an exclusive interview that "no system is going to be perfect" and "it's not going to be easy."

Although she states that it "won't be easy," she's certain it will happen because, in fact, it has been remarkably easy for her.

It was not all that long ago that Mrs. Obama, who had obtained a position as a ranking hospital administrator thanks to her promises of grants from her corrupt local politician husband (before and after he was elected), came up with a very interesting way to deal with unwanted (e.g. poor, black) hospital visitors. It was a policy that ran directly afoul of the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act (EMTALA). A document which just happened to be signed into law by Ronald Reagan (you'll find him in the dictionary under Presidents, real.)

She gave her program a pretty, sophisticated name, but it was, at it's heart, good, old-fashioned patient dumping. A practice also known as "kicking poor folk out on the street to make room for rich people."

A local U.S. Rep went so far as to call for action. Representative Bobby Rush stated, "Congress has a duty to expend its power to mitigate and prevent this despicable practice from continuing in centers that receive federal funds."

Why did Congress need to get involved? Because Michelle's hospital took government money and operated under the protection of being a non-profit entity -- thus, the money they saved kicking people out went back into their own pockets.

However, the somewhat scary Michelle Malkin notes that they weren't much of a non-profit, even by their own twisted standards:

The hospital had nonprofit status and received lucrative tax breaks in exchange for providing charity care.

Yet, in fiscal year 2007, when Mrs. Obama was employed there, it spent a measly $10 million on charity care for the poor -- 1.3 percent of its total hospitalexpenses, according to an analysis performed for The Washington Post by the nonpartisan Center for Tax and Budget Accountability. The figure is below the 2.1 percent average for nonprofit hospitals in surrounding Cook County.

I'm guessing Barry won't send anyone in to do an investigation. We know how that turns out.

So how did Scary Michelle's program work out?

Malkin notes,

In February 2009, outrage in the Obamas' community exploded upon learning that a young boy covered by Medicaid had been turned away from the University of Chicago Medical Center.

Dontae Adams' mother, Angela, had sought emergency treatment for him after a pit bull tore off his upper lip. Mrs. Obama's hospital gave the boy a tetanus shot, antibiotics and Tylenol, and shoved him out the door. The mother and son took an hour-long bus ride to another hospital for surgery.

I'll guarantee you this: You'll never see the Adams family featured at an Obama policy summit or seated next to the first lady at a joint session of Congress to illustrate the failures of the health care system.

Sure, the American College of Emergency Physicians responded with a stern condemnation of Michelle's policy, but they dare not push this too hard, lest they get called racists for questioning our wise president.

Unless you can cocoon yourself in bubble wrap, I'd be very wary about getting super excited for Barry's overhaul of medicine.

Fire Bathing

I can understand the intense desire to have a son, but I also think I'd eventually resign myself to a fate of raising daughters after the fifth year of not bathing.

An Indian man who fathered seven daughters has not washed for 35 years in an apparent attempt to ensure his next child is a boy, newspapers reported.

Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath" every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.

"It's just like using water to take a bath," Kalau was reported as saying. "A fire bath helps kill germs and infection in the body."

Sure this sounds a bit weird, but if you doubt such a thing is possible, you have probably never met any of my college roommates.

The primary question coming out of this story is how he managed to produce this many children despite not bathing.

Maybe there's something to this whole fire bath thing...

06/06/09: Also Worth Noting

Paleontology has never been a field of science that has benefited mankind very much (other than in the passing "That is AWESOME" sense of the word when you're wandering through the dino exhibit at the museum), but reading these headlines makes it clear that they are not even trying to be productive.

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Sure he's a busy guy, but that doesn't mean our president doesn't have time to try and grow a sweet mustache. However, if I were Efren Ramirez, I would be pissed.

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What's that you say? After a checkered, multi-century history, Roman Catholicism is no longer hip? I beg to differ.

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No one complained when they did this to Napoleon. But I think the reason was because they did it to Napoleon.


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Life has some never-before-seen color photos of the Third Reich. It's pretty eerie to see this stuff in technicolor. Also check these and these.

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USA Today notes that currently "one of every six dollars of Americans' income is now coming in the form of a federal or state check or voucher." Our president's reaction to this horrific news? "What can I do to get the other 5 on the payroll?"

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The laws of attraction are a remarkable thing.

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Legislators in Britain are staging a plan to get a significantly large number of members to lobby the Prime Minister to step down. Is this really beyond the ability of our current lawmakers? Couldn't we find a way to make this happen? Answer: No.

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I wish network news was actually like this. Imagine the ratings! Maybe even Couric would crack 1 million viewers. Well, maybe not.

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It's been 12 years, and this song is still pretty great.

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Isn't our president and his scary wife hip and cool? Aren't you excited we get to pay for their $24k nights out on the town? And you know things are bad when even his Joey Goebbels impersonator can't come up with an explanation for it. A man with shame might have waited for a meeting or political event in NYC so he could justify the cost. But no, for a man without shame, morals or conscience, an empty weekday in the midst of an economic meltdown is reason enough. And, note that two additional planes full of ego-jamming entourage were part of the night out.

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It's funny to consider that it was barely six months ago that our president vociferously decried the arrogance and wastefulness of the auto execs that visited Washington D.C. because they had the temerity to travel via private jet. News outlets like Reuters, CNN, ABC, Bloomberg, and the WSJ lined up to report his righteous indignation.

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What impact has MM had on our standing in the world? The Muslim world is now completely comfortable dictating terms to the U.S. Sure, they don't exactly have any plans to change, but at least they know they have a comrade that's willing to roll over.

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I respect consistency, and for that, I must tip my hat to the Left. Rather than admit their leader has nominated a sub-standard partisan stooge (the same way many in the GOP did when their leader nominated Harriet Miers in 2005) they are going to fight this one to the death. Their weapon of choice in this battle? Also predictable: Calling anyone who disagrees a racist.

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Sure, squirrels are just rats with better PR, but at least they're patriotic. I'm willing to bet it didn't take a series of press inquiries and several videos showing a refusal to take part in the pledge of allegiance to make this happen.

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While the U.S. keeps looking for diplomatic ways to turn the tide in Afghanistan, it's nice to know that the president, Hamid Karzai, is willing to be a figurehead for a rational, modern, law-abiding society country long plagued by pre-medieval ideas about gender roles and marriage.

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In case anyone has forgotten: The government is still working on a way to control your salary. In addition to controlling your bank. Somewhere Alexander Hamilton is going bonkers.

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Sure, it's never good news to hear that hostile countries have developed a aircraft carrier kill weapon designed especially for U.S. ships, but I'd feel better if the military would respond with news to the effect of, "Yeah, but we got one, too, and it is WAY better."

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On the list of things I will never let the Obama administration forget: This.

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Thinking of visiting Africa? You'll need more than armed guards.

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Why is America in decline? I'm willing to believe it's because people have lives that are so empty that they set aside time to organize and vote for "Best Public Bathroom in America."

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I think this site is supposed to disgust people, yet I read it like a cook book. This may explain why my heart will someday explode.

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While still basking in the refractory afterglow of the "First 100 Days" celebration, it's important to examine a few additional pieces of information. First, this AP story that details his claims about how he is saving us, and the grizzly facts to the contrary. It's important to note it's the AP that's running this story -- at this time last year they were a mere wing of his campaign. Also of note is this list of other notable events during days 1-100, and this breakdown of other significant achievements.

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There are a lot of sheep-related jokes to be made about this.

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A once mighty species is about to be wiped out due to low birthrates and an influx of breeding by aggressive foreigners. It's up to you to decide if this is a story about rhinos or Western Europeans.

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Another thing the BHB will never let Obama forget, this. And all the more so since he rescinded the plan only when the public backlash reached his doorstep, not out of any realization that his actions were morally depraved.

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Scientists believe that a massive tsunami hit NYC about 2,300 years ago. If you've ever walked the streets the day after St. Patrick's Day or any of the 738 parades, you know that a tsunami would be a welcome upgrade.

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What a remarkable surprise: After a two year campaign wherein everyone started shouting words like "racist" whenever Barry's Muslim roots were mentioned, he is now speaking at length about the great impact Islam has had in his life. Interesting. Totally interesting. Also of note, he thinks Iran should keep up their nuclear research. The research which, according to every advisory and intelligence service on earth, is not related to power production.

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I've eaten some really good dinner rolls in my life, so perhaps this isn't entirely unbelievable.

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Reports that Microsoft is on the decline amidst the rise all the other technology companies is a vastly overstate rumor.

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Truman Madsen died this week. That is very sad.

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I don't understand why Queen Elizabeth is so upset about being left out of the D-Day commemoration. The chief role of England on 06/06/44 was, in technical terms, "a whole lot of nothing while they waited for us to save them." French president Nicholas Sarkozy will be at the event, however. That's odd. It's important to note, in a roundabout (albeit unintentional) defense of the Queen, that although it was an invasion of France, the French role in the Normandy landing was, in technical terms, "a whole lot of nothing while they waited for us to save them, and everyone in the southern half of the country collaborated with the Nazis.

With that in mind, today is the anniversary, and each one of us ought to be incredibly grateful.

Kung Fu: The Legend is Over

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Suicide? With curtain cords? In Bangkok? What is going on???

Cross-Cultural Marriage Rituals

It's amazing the way people in different countries react to the pressures of their wedding day.

Some people get involved with amateur fire fighting, and others saw off their gonads.

Case in point,

A Connecticut family has been saved from a house fire by a new bride who rushed inside through thick smoke while wearing her wedding gown.

Officials say Georgette Clemons had just left her wedding reception Sunday evening when she spotted smoke coming from a Bridgeport home. Clemons got out of the car she was riding in and ran into the home.

She says a woman was yelling about her animals and didn't want to leave, so she had to pull her out, according to the Connecticut Post.

However, at the moment this was happening, on the other side of the globe, a man with a hot steak knife took the necessary measures to ensure he never, ever had to consummate a marriage not of his choosing.

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.

I'd like to say that, in a perfect world, there is some happy medium for these two types of behavior. But, after some reflection, a median would simply have a disgruntled groom lighting his groin on fire while in transit to the reception.

And, frankly, I can see this happening on an upcoming episode of MTV: True Life (entitled, "I'm Engaged and Planning to Light My Junk on Fire.").

The Fake Robot Menace

The danger posed by robots has been well documented on the BHB (here, here, here, here and here), but the problem is compounded when crazy, flame-wielding, deadbeat dads start mascarading as our metal enemy.

Shane Johnson had been living away from his family for several weeks, but his wife and kids invited him home last Friday to celebrate his birthday.

The next morning, things got weird.

Police Lt. Darren Paul says Johnson woke up and was upset his wife and kids were sleeping in and that the house was messy.

So he woke them up saying he was a robot, ready to clean the house, but his cleaning technique didn't go over well. He started breaking things. [...]

"Then he grabbed a can of WD-40, spraying some in his wife's face," Lt. Paul said. Paul says Johnson then took a lighter and made a blow torch with the WD-40, threatening to burn down the house and burn his family.

That's when police were called.

Shameless. Those smiling terrorists have won.

Another Successful Faith-Based Initiative

One thing you have to admit about the global spread of radical Islam, at least they have the best interests of their people in mind.

Nowhere is this more true than the already completely sane country of Nigeria.

The AP notes:

In 2003, imams in northern Nigeria promoted a boycott of polio vaccinations, claiming they were a Western plot to make Muslims infertile or infect them with AIDS.

The result: The number of newly crippled children rose by more than double the following year, and there were fears that the disease would spread into a dozen neighboring countries. [...]

Last year's spike has raised fears that the disease could be exported again to surrounding polio-free countries and threaten a multibillion dollar effort to wipe the disease from the globe.

This seems completely rational.

A New Low for the Obama Administration

A new low? Already?

And this is coming from a president who is, proudly, making a bigger mess in just 60 days than most leaders do in a full 8 years.

So, where else can Barry-O go with this? John Stewart (yes, that John Stewart) notes that a great idea is to antagonize the people protecting you.

Amnesty International Fights the Forces of Evil

Breaking news out of Gambia: A series of abductions by witch doctors (and subsequent detention in secret facilities) has sparked outcry from human rights groups.

No, this is not a case of a story about China and a story about Nigeria being mixed together in some tragic newsroom vs. blender accident. The BBC reports:

Up to 1,000 Gambian villagers have been abducted by "witch doctors" to secret detention centres and forced to drink potions, a human rights group says.

Amnesty International said some forced to drink the concoctions developed kidney problems, and two had died.

Officials in the police, army and members of Gambian President Yahya Jammeh's personal protection guard had accompanied the "witch doctors" in the bizarre roundup, said witnesses. [...]

The London-based rights group said the witch hunters, said to be from neighbouring Guinea, were invited into Gambia after the death of the president's aunt earlier this year was blamed on witchcraft.

Cancel your plans to the Horn of Africa!

Careful readers of this story will be impressed that Amnesty International's activism on behalf of human suffering is so comprehensive that it now extends to abuses perpetrated by (arguably real) voodoo practitioners.

Survivors have grim reports of these abductions:

Amnesty spoke to villagers who said they had been held for up to five days and forced to drink unknown substances, which they said caused them to hallucinate and behave erratically.

Hmmmmm... let's look up the standard definition for "hallucinate and behave erratically." For example, this definition.

It Goes Well with Vodka and Borscht

The brutal winters of Siberia render a hardened people who will not tolerate the losing end of an argument.

What happens when two Siberian women begin hypothetically debating who is tastier? The AP has the details:

A woman from Russia's Siberian region of Irkutsk has been arrested for killing a friend and then eating part of the corpse, Interfax news agency reported, quoting local investigators.

The incident occurred on March 5 when the two women were drinking together at the suspect's home and an argument broke out between them.

"Investigators have information to suggest the woman cooked pieces of her murdered friend and ate them," said an official with the Russian prosecutor's investigative committee.

I guess that settles that.

The Cold Reality of Science vs. The Warm Embrace of Myth

The BHB readers at the University of Wisconsin have finished a line of scientific inquiry first suggested here years ago.

Their research, published today, is the most comprehensive analysis to date of the human vs. natural impact on climate change.

Scientists at the university used a math application known as synchronized chaos and applied it to climate data taken over the past 100 years. [...]

"In climate, when this happens, the climate state changes. You go from a cooling regime to a warming regime or a warming regime to a cooling regime. This way we were able to explain all the fluctuations in the global temperature trend in the past century," Tsonis said. "The research team has found the warming trend of the past 30 years has stopped and in fact global temperatures have leveled off since 2001."

The most recent climate shift probably occurred at about the year 2000.

I recall a lot of talking about Armeggedon in 1999, but it had nothing to do with the fact our climate was about to shift.

Having heard Al talk ad infinitum over the last dozen years about what will happen when our climate does shift, there certainly was supposed to be a lot more blood and guts.

But it turns out that the climate shift was so subtle and so inconsequential that the man who spends all his time "studying" and "warning" us about it MISSED IT ENTIRELY.

Where was Al on that particular day in 2000 when the climate shifted?

Since he said NOTHING about it, we have to assume 1 of 3 things:

1) He was on his private, gas-guzzling jet and couldn't get a cell phone signal.

2) After opting for the pitched, polemic drama of the theater for so many yeas, the actual machinations of science escape him entirely.

3) Considering that this climate shift was making the planet cooler, all his rhetoric about how human kind was pushing the thermometer irrevocably upwards, was a bit embarrasing -- and laying low in the most energy-inefficient building in Tennessee helped make the pain go away.

Furthermore, considering we live on a multi-billion-year-old planet, we would be well served to ask for analysis on a lot more than 100 years of climate data. Is it asking too much for Al and his friends analyze weather patterns older than the 1970s? A million years is a good start -- a whole .015% of our planets total lifespan heretofore.

But, this proven link between global temperature fluctuation and the synchronicity of air/ocean currents is meaningful only if it answers one big question:

Now the question is how has warming slowed and how much influence does human activity have?

"But if we don't understand what is natural, I don't think we can say much about what the humans are doing. So our interest is to understand -- first the natural variability of climate -- and then take it from there. So we were very excited when we realized a lot of changes in the past century from warmer to cooler and then back to warmer were all natural," Tsonis said.

What a novel concept: Deciding to understand natural phenomenon before deciding we have to give and Al and his donors all our money and political authority to stave off annihilation.

Of course, now that we've learned that the impending annihilation will likely mimic the intensity of the cataclysm in 2000, perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

How to Clean Up Nuclear Waste? Stop Cleaning it

Opponents of nuclear energy broke out in song this week when Energy Secretary (and noted non-scientist) Steven Chu announced the U.S. would stop nuclear waste disposal until he and the Manchurian Messiah could figure out something better.

Considering Barry's recent track record when rendering judgments that will effect millions of people, I start to dry heave when I consider what he'll come up with.

Chu and MM both want to consider pursuing cleaner energy technologies (despite the previously discussed fact that wind and solar are light years behind other energy sources in terms of total kilowatts produced relative to man hours required to produce it), rather than the one source of nearly limitless energy that, as a hazardous byproduct, produces a lot of water vapor.

Rather than being terrified of nuclear waste, William Tucker (who actually is a scientist) posits that perhaps there is no such thing as nuclear waste after all.

When they emerge [from the power plant], the fuel rods are intensely radioactive -- about twice the exposure you would get standing at ground zero at Hiroshima after the bomb went off. But because the amount of material is so small -- it would fit comfortably in a tractor-trailer -- it can be handled remotely through well established industrial processes.

The spent rods are first submerged in storage pools, where a few yards of water block the radioactivity. After a few years, they can be moved to lead-lined casks about the size of a gazebo, where they can sit for the better part of a century until the next step is decided.

So is this material "waste"? Absolutely not.

Ninety-five percent of a spent fuel rod is plain old U-238, the nonfissionable variety that exists in granite tabletops, stone buildings and the coal burned in coal plants to generate electricity. Uranium-238 is 1% of the earth's crust.

It could be put right back in the ground where it came from.

Of the remaining 5% of a rod, one-fifth is fissionable U-235 -- which can be recycled as fuel.

Another one-fifth is plutonium, also recyclable as fuel.

Much of the remaining three-fifths has important uses as medical and industrial isotopes. [...]

What remains after all this material has been extracted from spent fuel rods are some isotopes for which no important uses have yet been found, but which can be stored for future retrieval.

France, which completely reprocesses its recyclable material, stores all the unused remains -- from 30 years of generating 75% of its electricity from nuclear energy -- beneath the floor of a single room at La Hague.

The thinking is so rationale, that it will never catch on.

Something logical, helpful and solution-oriented has no place in government, and is entirely anathema in the Obama administration.

For a president who's rise to power has been fueled on a finely honed blend of deceit and gross malfeasance, solving problems is both counterintuitive and counterproductive.

Petitions vs. Power

In his recent WSJ forum appearance, beloved scientist Al Gore noted the 3,000 scientists from "various fields" (i.e., not related to climatology) who had signed a petition stating global warming was man made.

He failed to mention the 32,000 scientists who have signed a petition saying the exact opposite thing, or the additional 650 certified meteorologists and climatologists who have stipulated the same sentiments on the official website of the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works.

So where does Al get his information? He talks about the UN quite a bit. Driessen notes,

The UN’s Intergovermental Panel on Climate Change claims to be the world’s “most authoritative body” on the subject. However, only “something on the order of 20%” of the panel’s scientists “have some dealing with climate,” admits a senior member.

Even the IPCC chairman is an economist, not a scientist. The IPCC... has “never seriously investigated” the possibility that climate change might be natural.

The IPCC sees only what it is looking for; it sees nothing it is not looking for.

But Al's disinterest in pursuing the facts regardless of where they lead is one problem, what he does with the available facts is quite another. For example, when discussing the change in atmospheric parts per million of CO2 (a topic that he knows most of his most viewers have no frame of reference for), Al makes it sound like a nuclear event.

Atmospheric carbon dioxide levels may have “soared” from 280 ppm to 385 ppm over the last century. But this represents an almost trivial rise from 0.03% of the atmosphere to 0.04% – the equivalent of an increase from 3 cents to 4 out of $100, or from 1.08 inches to 1.44 inches on a football field.

Similarly, his graph of rising temperatures notes only when it has gone up, not the equally numerous times it has dropped.

Planetary temperatures may have increased during the last century, as CO2 levels increased. But not in a straight line. They rose 1900-1940 (1934 was the century’s warmest year), fell 1940-1975, rose again 1975-1998, then stabilized and even declined slightly from 1998 to 2008.

But the problem goes well beyond Al. Sensing the opportunity created by the hysteria, political appointees have been willing to say what their appointers want to hear. Consider these impressively hyperbolic statements from people who are supposed to talk and think like scientists:

-- Energy Secretary Stephen Chu: “We’re looking at a scenario where there’s no more agriculture in California.”

-- NOAA scientist Susan Solomon: “In ten years the oceans will be toxic, and all life in them will die.”

-- NASA astronomer James Hansen: “Death trains” are carrying poisonous fuel to “coal-fired factories of death.”

Yes, the debate is over amongst the people in a position to make the decisions, but not amongst those working in the field.

And that is pretty scary.

Global Warming Concerns: No Longer Buying it

Congratulations readers! The BHB is turning the tide of reasonless global warming hysteria.

According to Gallup:

Although a majority of Americans believe the seriousness of global warming is either correctly portrayed in the news or underestimated, a record-high 41% now say it is exaggerated.

This represents the highest level of public skepticism about mainstream reporting on global warming seen in more than a decade of Gallup polling on the subject.

So who IS still buying this crap? The people young enough to believe whatever their teachers or a mentally ill former government official tells them:

Notably, all of the past year's uptick in cynicism about the seriousness of global warming coverage occurred among Americans 30 and older.

The views of 18- to 29-year-olds, the age group generally most concerned about global warming and most likely to say the problem is underestimated, didn't change.

Luckily, the data indicates that this changes over time.

By this time next year, I'd like to see the percentage pass 50%.

Some key ways to do this:

1) Don't let your friends use the term "climate change." This is a cop-out used by people like beloved scientist Al Gore to explain why his global warming theories are making the planet colder. Make them stick to the original concern over global WARMING.

2) Explain that deforestation and erosion are real environmental problems. The heat cycles of the sun are not.

3) Read them a child's dinosaur book. Page one typically reads, "In the era of dinosaurs, the world was a hot, hot place." Then ask them what was causing this terrible problem back when fossil fuel was still alive and well.

And... break!

A Happy New Layer in the Food Pyramid

Apparently I'm no the only one that wants to barf because of our President.

A gimmicky snack bearing a caricature of US President Barack Obama making a peace sign has gone on sale in Indonesia, but worried consumer activists are already calling for it to be banned. [...]

The Indonesian Consumer Foundation has called on the government to investigate, saying the snack is... potentially harmful to children's health.

Apparently they don't get broadcast news in Jakarta, otherwise they'd know that our president can do know wrong. He need only gaze upon, walk past or lend his image to something in order to infuse it with virtue. No matter what it is.

Racists.

Walk 10 Paces, Turn, and Cover with Salsa

As I've noted many times before, some stories must be read in their entirety. A perfect example is this wire story about a six pound burrito.

It's as if the AP applies a secret calculation which has been specifically formulated to get me to read things.

A Las Vegas casino cafe is rewarding patrons who can put away a 2-foot, 6-pound burrito with a most logical prize — free unlimited rides on a roller coaster that runs in both forward and reverse.

The offer comes with a caveat, though: Those who accept the challenge but can't finish “The Bomb” burrito have to take a picture with an extra small, pink T-shirt that says “Weenie.”

The NASCAR Cafe at the Sahara Hotel & Casino began selling the cheese-and-guacamole slathered burrito on Thursday for $19.95.

Those who can finish the monstrous entree get it for free, along with two unlimited coaster passes and a T-shirt proclaiming they “Conquered the Bomb.”

And, it's apparent, the AP has shared this secret formula with the casinos.

I view the creation of a two-foot burrito as an open challenge; as a formal calling out. I'd no sooner refuse a 19th century duel than walk away from news of a burrito the size of a preschooler.

Watch out Vegas. I'm coming for you.

And His Cat's Name is Calzone

Attention ladies with a ticking biological clock!

Big news out of Italy:

A controversial Italian doctor known for his work allowing post-menopausal women to have children has claimed in an interview to have cloned three babies who are now living in eastern Europe.

"I helped give birth to three children with the human cloning technique," Severino Antinori, a prominent gynecologist, told Oggi weekly in an interview to appear Wednesday.

For all the obvious reasons, this is getting a lot of attention.

It’s a false alarm, however, because the doctor was referring to cannolis.

Lessons from the Eastern Front: Half a Day of Anything is Likely to Kill You

Here's another addition to the "you've got to read the whole article to believe it" collection, courtesy of our friends in Russia.

Headline: Man, 28, Dies After 'Guzzling' Viagra During 12-Hour Romp

A Russian man died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two female pals.

The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov $4,300 that he wouldn’t be able to follow through with the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the bet, the 28-year-old died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.

“We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do,” said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.

As is usually the case with these stories, there are so many questions.

Primarily: What series of factors create a scenario wherein TWO women dare a mechanic to have sex with them for 12 hours?

What kind of secrets do they teach nowadays in community colleges? Have the makers of Spanish Fly made an arrangement with Pennzoil?

Behavior like this was once relegated to the Rick James', Wilt Chamberlain's and Richard Simmons' of the world -- but now it extends (excuse the pun) even to Ruskie grease monkeys and associated skanks. Wow.

Furthermore, doesn't the implausibility of this story make it all seem a bit too plausible? The details, although remarkable, seem to fit together a bit too well, e.g. sex + 12 hours + chugging Viagra = heart explosion.

We're left to choose between two conclusions: Either Alina's account is either one of the most bizarre events of the new year, or one of the most elaborate homocides ever perpetrated. It's a toss up.

Also: "Guzzling" Viagra? Does this mean he was holding an open bottle of the bills to his parched mouth, or have Russian mad scientists created a hyper-potent liquid version of the drug? I've been bomarded with enough commercials about liquigel caps (thanks, Robitussin), that I will be quick to believe that Sergey has a bonafide wonder drug on his [ahem] hands.

A Grieving Nation Turns Itself Toward Pitas

As noted before, if you are a lover of peanuts, peanut products or George Washington Carver, it's been a rough few weeks.

Once the domain of eggs, raw chicken and possibly salmon, an outbreak of salmonella has ravaged the sandwich-making community.

An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning traced to peanut products has sickened 666 people and is continuing despite one of the biggest food recalls in U.S. history, health officials said on Tuesday.

Notes one BHB reader, "666 folks sickened by the peanuts? I blame Satan, Jimmy Carter and the state of Georgia -- in that order."

I just hope the folks at Peanut & Co. back in NYC are ok.

P&C's predicament is much akin to the dire straights McDonalds would face if the FDA ever ordered a massive recall on pig scrotum.

Kevlar Braids: The Latest Anti-Crime Accessory

Some stories must be read in their entirety.

Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave.

Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, "Well I dont love him," then heard gunshots. She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

Truly great writing creates a vibrant picture in your head. Truly great stories create a full-blown Hollywood production.

This story is greatly served by both -- but primarily the latter.

Comrade Gore, the Czechs are Acting Up Again

The EU can't be happy about this.

I'm sure when they decided to rotate which country got to be in charge every year, they never foresaw the day when a president would dislike being a part of an international governing body that would make him rich and take away power from the unwashed masses of the electorate.

Vaclav Klaus, the awesomely named president of the Czech Republic, is such a man.

The European Union has turned into an undemocratic and elitist project comparable to the Communist dictatorships of eastern Europe that forbade alternative thinking, Czech President Vaclav Klaus told the European Parliament on Thursday.

Klaus, whose country now holds the rotating EU presidency, set out a scathing attack on the EU project and its institutions, provoking boos from many lawmakers, some of whom walked out, but applause from nationalists and other anti-EU legislators.

Klaus is known for deep skepticism of the EU and has refused to fly the EU flag over his official seat in Prague during the Czech presidency, saying the country is not an EU province.

He said current EU practices smacked of communist times when the Soviet Union controlled much of eastern Europe, including the Czech Republic and when dissent or even discussions were not tolerated.

This is what a belly full of fire and goulash can do for you.

Survivalists, Turned to Consumers

The problem with the UK is that it's just so hard for the elderly to get by -- in the Talib Kweli sense of the word.

A British prosecutor says an elderly milkman supplied customers with cannabis as well as bottles of milk.

Robert Holding, 72, delivered marijuana as he made his daily rounds in the town of Burnely, in northwestern England.

Prosecutor Sarah Statham said Friday that Holding offered the drug to elderly customers suffering from aches and pain.

The really shocking details of this case will emerge when investigators learn that Holding was actually a weed dealer that sometimes brought along milk.

If you consider that most of his "customers" were craving cookies and snack cakes, the decision to also hustle milk is a pretty smart alternative revenue stream.

In an Alternate Universe: What the President is Currently Saying

Ok, I'll come out and say it: I love me some Mitt Romney.

Sure, he can't seem to finish a sentence without reminding us he spent his life "in the private sector" as one of the most successful businessmen of our generation, and he doesn't have the pulchritudinous streak I enjoy so much in Ron Paul (but, maybe, that's a good thing), and his hair is so perfect I'm intimidated by it -- but all this aside, the BHB is a fan.

Romney's ability to fix the rapidly collapsing auto industry has been discussed here before. Now, Mitt sets his sights on saving the economy.

In remarks adapted from a speech delivered to the House Republican Conference (a group of clowns, to be sure), CNN.com offers a distilled account of his remarks.

First and foremost, Mitt lays bear one obvious, odius truth:

These are extraordinary times, and like a lot of Republicans I believe that a well-crafted stimulus plan is needed to put people back to work.

But the Obama spending bill would stimulate the government, not the economy. We're on an economic tightrope.

The package that passed the House is a huge increase in the amount of government borrowing. And we've borrowed so much already that if we add too much more debt, or spend foolishly, we could invite an even bigger crisis.

Although he doesn't say it explicitly, Mitt notes that Executive Powers to fix this problem currently reside with a man entirely incapable of solving it.

It's his job to set priorities. I hope for America's sake that he knows that a chief executive can't vote "present." He has to say yes to some things and no to a lot of others.

Obama, as we already know, has zero executive experience. He's never been in a position to make executive decisions, at any level of business, civics or politics. The rebuttal that he "led" his campaign is ludicrous because whenever he tried to act, think, or speak extemporaneously, he made uniformly poor choices. The credit for his campaign "leadership" rests with the army of handlers, not the puppet.

Yet, the man that has never led a lemonade stand, and who has spent his adult life living the soft life of a Marxist law professor, is now planning to save the day.

It's like expecting an arsonist to fireproof your house.

It's a plan so bad that the VP is already preparing Democratic Senators with the news that they will likely be attacked during their next election cycle for supporting such a plan -- but that they should still vote for it.

Rather than trying to nationalize major industries or regulate salaries, the solution can be a lot more straightforward:

As someone who spent a career in the private sector, I'd like to see a stimulus package that respects the productivity and genius of the American people. And experience shows us what it should look like.

First, there are two ways you can put money into the economy, by spending more or by taxing less. But if it's stimulus you want, taxing less works best. That's why permanent tax cuts should be the centerpiece of the economic stimulus.

If some elements of the stimulus are cut out in favor of other things, what should stay, and what should go?

Mitt:

Any new spending must be strictly limited to projects that are essential. How do we define essential?

Well, a good rule is that the projects we fund in a stimulus should be legitimate government priorities that would have been carried out in the future anyway, and are simply being moved up to create those jobs now.

As we take out nonessential projects, we should focus on funding the real needs of government that will have immediate impact. And what better place to begin than repairing and replacing military equipment that was damaged or destroyed in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan?

Mitt also emphasizes the need to offer actual tax cuts rather than sending rebate checks -- two financial options that are very different. The former causes long term spending and consumption habits, the latter produces a brief, albeit intense, spike in disposable income, but nothing of any tangible economic benefit.

Mitt fails to note, however, that the idea of receiving a "rebate" check is mildly insulting because it assumes the money you receive in the mail isn't yours already.

Tax money it is held by the government to perform essential services and provide protection, but, it is always our money.

Because all the money possessed by the government has been gathered through taxation, referring to that money as a "rebate" implies it belongs to the Feds and isn’t your own.

This is the kind of arrogance that leads Obama to use taxpayer money to pay off his personal debts to Hollywood, fill his cabinet with the lobbyists who bankrolled him, and use a “stimulus” plan to implement a broken, demagogic education plan.

There is also the question of how the national debt will spiral out of control during a period when the U.S. has cut taxes (its income) while broadly expanding its range of social programs (its expenses).

Barry's cake degree from Columbia might not have included a lot of math, but Mitt's not only a lawyer, he also has an MBA (both from Harvard), which means he had to take Business Calculus -- and that class SUCKS. It does allow him, however, to look beyond MM's teleprompter and do some basic math about what happens when your expenses outstrip your income by 10-to-1.

If we're going to tax less and spend more to get the economy moving, then we have to make another commitment as well.

As soon as this economy recovers, we have to regain control over the federal budget, and above all, over entitlement spending for programs such as Social Security and Medicare.

This is more important than most people are willing to admit.

There is a real danger that with trillions of additional borrowing -- from the budget deficit and from the stimulus -- world investors will begin to fear that our dollars won't be worth much in the future.

It is essential that we demonstrate our commitment to maintaining the value of the dollar. That means showing the world that we will put a stop to runaway spending and borrowing.

The comment that many will find most radical, however, is Romeny's concluding remark.

With 67 million sycophants -- on Main Street, Wall Street and Fleet Street -- waiting for their savior to do something, any thought of allowing the market to correct itself has been completely forgotten. But the dialog has changed to instead wait for our fearless leader to give us a solution, rather than working to find one ourselves.

Don't you wish your President could be saying this right now:

In the final analysis, we know that only the private sector -- entrepreneurs and businesses large and small -- can create the millions of jobs our country needs. The invisible hand of the market always moves faster and better than the heavy hand of government.

Instead, our President is excited about this cool hole he keeps hearing about.

The Wonders of the Pagan Gods

The types of people you see at State Fairs also enjoy visiting places like the Monster Truck Hall of Fame and Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. A new exhibit of African fertility statues has caused female visitors to the latter destination to experience some unexpected (though not unfamiliar) results.

The 5-foot tall wooden statues were acquired on the Ivory Coast of West Africa in 1993. The company says they were then placed in its corporate headquarters in Orlando, Fla., and within months, 13 women became pregnant.

The statues have since been on display around the world. According to the company, more than 2,000 women have reported becoming pregnant after touching the statues.

Although many museum visitors are awed by this effect, everyone at Ripley's knows that "The Fertility Statue" is the nickname of Dave, the tall, skanky guy who works behind the coat-check counter.

Believe it.

By Comparison, this is Just Another Boring Weekend for the Kennedys

While the rest of us are distracted by the financial meltdown and the current occupant of the White House, we've been missing some real problems.

Notably, the unchecked reign of terror perpetrated by the infamous John "The Impaler" Sharkey. Brace yourself:

A self-described "vampyre" and former fringe political candidate faces charges for threatening a teenage girl who tried to break off their relationship by telling him she was actually a vampire hunter. [...]

Sharkey, who calls himself the "The Impaler," ran as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party candidate for Minnesota governor in 2006, when he listed Princeton, Minn., as his address.

The criminal complaint says he was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page.

She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship.

She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger.

What else were we doing when society called out in need? Where else have we applied ourselves while we might have been joining these elite vampire hunting societies?

And, yes, Johnny Impaler's political party actually exists.

The only good news to come out of this is that I can now rest comfortably knowing that I am no longer responsible for the most elaborate/lamest break up excuse ever.

The Super Bowl of Super Bowl Food

Looking for a way to make your Super Bowl party a little more Super?

Considering that only Thanksgiving surpasses Super Bowl Sunday as single highest day for food consumption all year, no greater endeavor can be undertaken than the construction of The Stadium.

It is an endeavor unlike any other, and, if you build it, Super Bowl glory will be yours forever.

Key stats:

Total Calories: 24,375
Total Grams of Fat: 1,285
Total Cost: $86.47
Total Deliciousness: 1 Billion trillion, dude. One billion trillion.

In other words, the 8th Wonder of the World.

We Use Every Part of the Buffalo...Err, Horse

If you're like me, you're always looking for a way to incorporate more rendered horse fat into your day-to-day life.

What if I said that you can meet (and even exceed!) your daily horse fat intake, as well as similar material from cows and sheep?!

Look no further than your laundry room.

Wired reports that one of Downy detergent's main ingredients, Dihydrogenated tallow dimethyl ammonium chloride, starts as livestock but easily becomes soap.

Just boil it down and mix with ammonium (NH4). After a series of chemical pit stops, out comes a quaternary ammonium compound, or quat—a positive ion in which the hydrogen is replaced by long-chain organic molecules. Quats effectively coat your clothing with lipids, making the fibers soft to the touch.

How important is the horse gunk? So important that the next six ingredients listed by Wired are all aimed at keeping the equine protein shake from seperating, turning solid or rotting.

At no point, no matter how long you spend reading this, will it stop being both fascinating and gross.

It also explains why doing laundry makes me crave hot dogs.

Creating the Perfect Country

The Manchurian Messiah keeps talking about how his stimulus plan is going to address our infrastructure, but he never told us that the internal workings he was concerned with were our reproductive organs.

Much ado has been made of Pelosi's remarks about the burden of children and the obvious implication about what currently pregnant poor women ought to do to relieve the nation's present economic troubles -- but she isn't the first to have these ideas.

Even MM can't stop praising the way that Planned Parenthood can help solve this problem. He's a smart guy, however, and if he were honest (stay with me; just use your imagination) he wouldn't be such a fan of this institution. Because, at its core, Planner Parenthood has been more interested in eugenics than sexual health.

To be clear, the organization, which was formed in 1916, has had some very specific goals.

It's founder, Margaret Sanger, was a major proponent of eugenics, which Wikipedia very kindly describes as, "A social philosophy which claims that human hereditary traits can be improved through social intervention."

In other words: In order to save purebred white people, the government must kill, abort, sterilize or outlaw the reproduction of anyone or any group that is considered to be inconducive to the best interests of those with the power to make such a decision.

The last person to really run with this idea was a very charismatic, oratorically gifted, popularly elected leader in his mid/late 40s. No, not Barack; this guy took power in Germany in 1933.

Amidst her calls for a radical implementation of socialism, Sanger personally organized and managed The Negro Project, a concerted effort to decimate America's black population before it became big enough to outgrow the white population.

This project called for all "scourges" (her word for minorities, especially "the negroes") to be given the choice of forced sterilization or mandatory segregation from the "more advanced" races.

She saw racial minorities as "human weeds" and "reckless breeders" that haphazardly spawned "human beings who never should have been born."

Despite being presented as a "health service," Sanger feared that the people effected by the program would easily identify what the Negro Project was really meant to do. To counteract this, Sanger sought out patsy local preachers who would speak on the program's behalf. She wrote:

We do not want the word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population, and the minister is the man who can straighten that idea out if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members.

And also: "Our failure to segregate morons who are increasing and multiplying . . . demonstrates our foolhardy and extravagant sentimentalism."

The people that elected Hitler knew that he wasn't planning to carry out his plans peacefully. He spoke at length about forcing the Hebrews into subservience, and the glorious day when the heartland of the Ukraine and western Russia could be emptied of the sub-human Slavs and liberated to feed the Aryan race for the next 1,000 years. Sanger, on the other hand, spoke in terms of her ideas being a great, kind gift to the population of planet earth.

She called her plan to eradicate non-Caucasians "racial hygiene." -- something that sounds only minutely less ominous than "the final solution."

She explained,

A stern and rigid policy of sterilization and segregation to that grade of population whose progeny is already tainted or whose inheritance is such that objectionable traits may be transmitted to offspring.

And also,

It is a vicious cycle; ignorance breeds poverty and poverty breeds ignorance. There is only one cure for both, and that is to stop breeding these things.

Stop bringing to birth children whose inheritance cannot be one of health or intelligence. Stop bringing into the world children whose parents cannot provide for them.

Herein lies the key of civilization. For upon the foundation of an enlightened and voluntary motherhood shall a future civilization emerge.

Regarding the "uncivilized peopled" of the world, she wrote,

It is said that a fish as large as a man has a brain no larger than the kernel of an almond. In all fish and reptiles where there is no great brain development, there is also no conscious sexual control.

The lower down in the scale of human development we go the less sexual control we find.

It is said that the aboriginal Australian, the lowest known species of the human family, just a step higher than the chimpanzee in brain development, has so little sexual control that police authority alone prevents him from obtaining sexual satisfaction on the streets.

Her organization, she argued, would address a the most terrible crisis facing humanity: "The most urgent problem today is how to limit and discourage the over-fertility of the mentally and physically defective."

But her thoughts behind how she saw Planned Parenthood impacting the world are the most chilling.

"Organized charity itself is a symptom of malignant social disease…the surest sign that our civilization has bred, is breeding, and perpetuating constantly increasing numbers of defectives, delinquents, and dependents. [...]

Such a plan would…reduce the birthrate among the diseased, the sickly, the poverty stricken and anti-social classes [i.e. black], elements unable to provide for themselves, and the burden of which we are all forced to carry."

Indeed, in her estimation, things like "charity" ought not to be wasted on the scourge races -- they were not worthy of the hope and change future politicians would eventually offer them.

It [charity] encourages the healthier and more normal sections of the world to shoulder the burden of unthinking and indiscriminate fecundity of others; which brings with it, as I think the reader must agree, a dead weight of human waste.

Instead of decreasing and aiming to eliminate the stocks that are most detrimental to the future of the race and the world, it tends to render them to a menacing degree dominant. [...]

The most serious charge that can be brought against modern “benevolence” is that it encourages the perpetuation of defectives, delinquents and dependents. These are the most dangerous elements in the world community, the most devastating curse on human progress and expression.

But none of this really matters to the MM. His biggest concern is finding a way to convince the rising generation of children that his administration's careful oversight of American economic ruin wasn't really his fault.

By that time, eugenics will start to sound like a pretty good idea -- if only to limit the number of would-be detractors.

You are the Easy Money You've Been Waiting For

The BHB has discussed this renewable resource before, and now millions of cash-strapped Americans are getting on board with a money-making scheme which doesn't involve reselling bad mortgages or short-selling major companies.

These days, more men and women are trying to survive the bad economy by selling their sperm and eggs.

According to the Northeast Assisted Fertility Group , the number of women filling out applications to donate eggs has doubled... The number of potential sperm donors grow by 15 percent in 2008 compared to 2007.

For the loyal readers who knew about this months ago, you're welcome.

01/24/09: Also Worth Noting

If you had just read me the key points of this article (prison-based secret society, a guard-organized internal racket, extortion of phone privileges, etc.) I would have guessed "Rikers Island." I would have been right.

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If you look long enough, you can probably think of "10 Things" that Milli Vanilli did right, but that doesn't change infamy. In their classically snarky, charming way, the Libertarian Party had a field day with this article. And, while we're on the subject, their piece on the bailout contains this image, which is second only to this video as the best economic meltdown-related artwork I've seen.

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If this doesn't make you smile, you might not have a face.

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I've always said it, and now I have proof: Swimming in the ocean is a bad idea.

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I haven't been paying any attention to this Caroline Kennedy thing, but I was amused by this explanation of why her bid for the Senate finally fell apart: "A Palinesque series of train wreck interviews, Hillaryesque citations of a "lifetime of experience" and a Ted Kennedyesque failure to provide a rationale for being elected beyond the family name." If we are trying to nail down some reasons for her sudden withdrawl from Senate consideration, I bet it had something to do with her campaign's blogger (seen here and here).

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This story will make you cry for an hour. You should still read it, though.

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My first thought when I saw this headline: "That's a lot of money for pirate-themed body wash." Then I re-read it.

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First burgers, then spinach, and now there's a salmonella outbreak in peanut butter? Is nothing sacred?

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Wait a second, insight into the donors to Bill Clinton's library indicate he has received money from dangerous foreign governments in exchange for political "insight" or favors? Well, I'm sure that didn't start until after he left office.

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This may be true, but 100% of the writers of this blog struggle with the same thing. Don't judge me.

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The Manchurian Messiah has been making a lot of promises about what he's going to do with Guantanamo, since, after all, if we simply be nice to terrorists, they will stop believing that god has instructed them to wipe us out. Makes sense, right? Well, it turns out that some of the Gitmo prisoners that the Left has pressured the U.S. into releasing do to their "total and complete innocence," had other plans. Reports now indicate that at least 60 released prisoners have returned to active warfare against the U.S. (the same thing they were doing when they were captured), and two are now making promotional videos advocating an ongoing jihad against a country unwilling to incarcerate the very people trying to destroy it.

* * *

Ok, ok, I'm convinced; sure, I'll take one.

* * *

After some review, my favorite intraweb creation of past year comes courtesy of Iowahawk.

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Finally, how does the much forlorn Bush 43 administration rank historically? This graph from the WSJ indicates he went as high as anyone else, and equally low. I was never a fan, but at least we knew exactly who we was. I prefer disliking someone I understand to watching the cult built up around someone nobody knows.

I Can't Wait for this Scenario to Show Up in a DMX Song

A wave of vigilante fervor is sweeping through the nerd community.

It turns out a lifetime of wedgies and swirlies are considered mitigating circumstances for a heinous crime.

A man convicted of manslaughter over a "wedgie" has been sentenced to probation.

Erik Kurtis Low, 40, was sentenced Monday here in 3rd District Court on a charge of reckless manslaughter, a second-degree felony. Court records show a one-to-16-year prison sentence was suspended, and the judge imposed a 36-month probation term. Low also was ordered to pay restitution, write an apology letter and complete 100 hours of community service.

Low was charged in 2003 with murder after he shot and killed 38-year-old Michael Hirschey. Low claimed it was self-defense after being teased and given a wedgie by Hirschey. He was convicted of manslaughter, but it was overturned by the Utah Supreme Court.

As I've warned BHB readers many times before, please take stock of the hit lists which feature your name, and then take appropriate action. We've seen what can happen if you don't.

The Latest, Greatest Form of Birth Control

Not only will morbid obesity keep you from being able to conceive a child (as the BHB discussed last week), but it turns out that this condition can also prevent you from adopting.

A man has been told he and his wife cannot adopt children because he is so fat that the authorities fear he will die, he said Monday.

Damien Hall, who stands 6'1", weight 343 pounds...is thus considered morbidly obese.

The call centre worker, 37, and his nanny wife Charlotte, 31, cannot have children of their own and approached Leeds City Council, about adopting. [...]

"The bottom line is I'm too fat," he told BBC radio.

When I hear the words "foster parents," I don't typically imagine someone in peak physical condition (instead, I conjure an image of the people at the State Fair), but even obese parents are better than kids getting raised in the system, right?

Hello, Kettle? Hi, this is the Pot... Oh, Nevermind

And the saga continues.

Rep. John Conyers Jr. (D-Mich.), a bona fide clown, is getting very upset about Obama's selection of a TV doctor as the Surgeon General.

Conyers states:

Citing a lack of experience, Rep. John Conyers Jr. is leading an effort to thwart Barack Obama’s expected nomination of CNN’s Sanjay Gupta to become surgeon general. [...]

In his letter, Conyers wrote, “It is not in the best interests of the nation to have someone like this who lacks the requisite experience needed.

Conyers may very well be right, but where were these sentiments back in November?

Freezing to Death on a Hot Planet

The northern half of the globe is buried in snow and, after several Snowmageddon days here in Seattle, I'm tired of it. It's even too cold for Alaskans to do things which is like saying someone is too obnoxious to live in NYC.

The culprit? You guessed it, global warming.

If there were ever a theory that had legs, it is anthropogenic climate change. When things are hot and miserable, it's because of global warming. When everyone is freezing to death, it's because of global warming. And when temperatures are moderate, it's actually just global warming playing it cool until we let our guards down again.

This is much akin to my theory of Fruit Roll-Ups being the cause of Third World illiteracy. In those countries where no one can read, I insist that if there were less Fruit Roll-Ups, kids would not be distracted by tightly rolled fruity goodness and could instead hit the books. In areas where everyone can read but Fruit Roll-Ups wrappers blanket the ground, I bemoan the sugar rush which has powered these children through marathon reading sessions. I also point out how more countries need to sign the Sheboygan Mandate (our version of Kyoto) to ensure kids eat less fruit snacks or risk paying a mandatory subsidy (and/or credits) for the Explodin' Blue Rasperry they will consume.

So, now that I'm freezing my [bleep] off, it's the same problem as the 87 straight days I spent sweating last summer.

How dare you, Al Gore.

Unfortunately, the financial empire Al has built up around his climate change movement is showing some fatal flaws (as the BHB has reported many times).

The first crack in his greenish armor came in October 2007 when a High Court magistrate in the UK ruled that his film contained nine purposefully misleading errors and that the unscientific basis of its claims necessitated that any Department of Education institution (i.e. schools) showing the film must preface its viewing with a disclaimer about this lack of integrity.

I bet you didn't hear about that on the news.

Furthermore, if ever there were proof these green initiatives are a pet project rather than a viable resource, consider that during the recent financial meltdown companies focused on green technologies have lost twice as much value as actual business enterprises.

Another major thorn in the side of Al's cash cow is the Science & Public Policy Institute. Although derided for its research on climate change (shocking) and its benefactors (Al won't reveal his, however), the thoroughness of SPPI's rebuttals have not been challenged.

In fact, major publications from SPPI, like its "35 Inconvenient Truths" about Al's movie have led many decision makers (such as the judge in the UK) to take another look at his real motives and his strange claims about "consensus."

Other tenets of Al's new religion are also under attack:

Claim: Holy crap! We only have ten years left!
Rebuttal: "Twenty years ago, the UN’s climate panel said that humankind had 'only ten years to avert climate disaster'. Today, Gore says we have 'only ten years'. This Messianic tone is calculated to divert his audience from the seldom-reported but readily-verifiable truth, which is that for seven years the planet has been cooling."

Claim: Oh no, there are droughts all over the place!
Rebuttal: "Drought in the Sahara has declined so much that the extent of the desert has shrunk by 300,000 square kilometers in the past 30 years. The greening of the desert has been so widespread that nomadic tribes have returned to settle in lands they had not occupied in living memory. Gore mentions 'evaporation from the soil' arising from 'global warming', but, since there has been no 'global warming' for more than a decade, there is no scientific basis for his claim that the latter caused the former."

Claim: Everything is getting hotter (unless it's snowing, in which case, everything is getting colder for the same reason!)!
Rebuttal: "Global temperatures have been rising for almost 300 years, since the end of the 70-year-long Maunder Minimum in 1715. During that period, there were almost no sunspots on the surface of the Sun. Temperatures stopped rising towards the end of the 70-year solar Grand Maximum in 1998. " Not only is the earth not getting hotter, it's slowly getting colder. Why? "It is a chilling thought that the Earth is 5000 years overdue for the next Ice Age."

Claim: Unless C02 is reduced, we're all going to fry! But that's a good thing, because going green will create jobs!
Rebuttal: "If America and Europe, dominated by the international Left, carry out their threat to close down 80% of their economies in the name of 'global warming', their workers’ jobs will be taken away and transferred to inefficient, Third-World economies such as China, India, Indonesia, Russia, and Brazil, where the 'carbon footprint' per unit of production is considerably higher than it is in the well-regulated West. An increase both in carbon dioxide emissions and in global pollution will be the inevitable and pointless result." Genius ideas like this are currently being proposed by President-elect Barry-O. In addition to the promise that his proposed legislation will save the world, Obama has also renewed his pledge to give puppies and rainbows to everyone.

Claim: The chaos theory proves the global climate will spiral further and further out of control.
Rebuttal: Even the creator of the chaos theory, Edward N. Lorenz, stipulated that it is impossible to predict long-term climate change because by any method "because it is not possible for us to know the initial state of the climate at any chosen moment with sufficient precision to identify the moment of onset, the duration, the magnitude, or even the sign of any 'phase transition' – a sudden change or bifurcation in what had appeared to be the previously-steady state of the object. Scientists do not, therefore, predict that we are coming close to any 'tipping points', because Lorenz’s formal proof demonstrates that they cannot credibly make any such prediction."

Claim: Glaciers are melting all over the place (unless they're growing, in which case, we must stop them!)!
Rebuttal: "Gore says glaciers in the Rockies are melting, but – in common with other mountain glaciers around the world – they have been melting since at least 1880, long before humankind could have been responsible. [...] There has been no trend in the extent of winter snow cover in the Northern Hemisphere since records began half a century ago. Indeed, there was a record extent of snow cover in 2001/2, but that record was easily surpassed in 2007/8, and may well be surpassed again in 2008/9. Gore also fails to point out that nine-tenths of the world’s 160,000+ glaciers are in Antarctica, which he fails to point out has been cooling for half a century."

No amount of religious zeal can overcome this many facts.

And, yes, it's very religious; and that's on purpose.

Consider the case of Princeton physicist Dr. Will Happer, who was the Director of Energy Research for the US Department of Energy in the early 90s until he ran afoul of then-Vice Prez Al in 1993.

In 1993, he testified before Congress that the scientific data didn't support widespread fears about the dangers of the ozone hole and global warming, remarks that caused then-Vice President Al Gore to fire him. "I was told that science was not going to intrude on public policy"

Only the blindness of a zealot causes him to rely on his faith to overcome the gap between the facts which face him and the actions he takes.

But it's a delusion he has effectively fed the entire world, and his scientific critics do not have his platform. The very thing which can hopefully bring this ideology down has, heretofore, been the secret of its success:

Gore and his unthinking followers have...assumed that, precisely because climate science is so complex, they can get away with fabricating and then exaggerating the imagined “threat” of “global warming”, because ordinary people will be unable to understand the science, and because young people can be relied upon to favor projects that are Left-leaning and that exploit their idealism.

It is absurd to think that a group of scientists who do see a crisis coming would dedicate their lives to hiding a fact that, if ignored benefits no one. But it is not beyond the dark reaches of human nature to use something as ostensibly malleable as climate science to obfuscate facts and, in short order, consolidate power and control under the guise of altruism.

In the meantime, everyone buried under snowdrifts can thank Al for providing one last, unforeseen, way to keep warm.

Magicians, Thieves, and Helmets: A Vision of a Cosmopolitan Nigeria

If you wonder why you get so much scam e-mail from Nigeria, the reason is simple: They have a lot of expenses.

Last Summer the BHB investigated the dwindling global population of penis magicians, and the rising number of magical penis thieves in Nigeria. Now, to compound this problem, Nigerians are getting taxed to death with a new helmet law.

Police in Nigeria have arrested scores of motorcycle taxi riders with dried fruit shells, pots or pieces of rubber tire tied to their heads with string to avoid a new law requiring them to wear helmets.

The regulations have caused chaos around Africa's most populous nation, with motorcyclists complaining helmets are too expensive and some passengers refusing to wear them fearing they will catch skin disease or be put under a black magic spell.

Sure, this isn't the number one problem facing central Africa, but who wants to keep the wind out of their hair? So what's the work around?

Some bikers have used calabashes — dried shells of pumpkin-sized fruit usually used as a bowl — or pots and pans tied to their heads with string to try to dodge the rules. [...]

Newspapers quoted passengers as saying they feared the helmets could be laced with magic spells so as to knock the wearer unconscious and make them easier to rob.

I haven't spent much time in Lagos, but I'm willing to believe this isn't a long term solution. It appears that the magical penis thieves need to pool their resources and work on making an entire traffic cop disappear -- or, even better, the law itself.

Cell Phones and the Intrawebs Should Have Eradicated this Illness by Now

On the very long list of things I would never consider doing, you will find this:

As many as three-quarters of women say they snuggle with shirts and other clothing worn by someone dear, but not near, researchers reported in a study published in the December issue of the Journal of Applied Social Psychology.

Even more striking was the data on men: A full two-thirds of men admitted to cuddling with clothing.

Spending your nights smelling unwashed clothing when you miss someone? Was one of the qualifications for participation in this study a negative answer to the question, "Do you have a phone or internet access?"

Other things I will never do, but participants in this study probably will:

-- Cry about things

-- Spend alone time drinking heavily to make video games more fun

-- Stay up until 3 a.m. talking about feelings

-- Wear matching outfits to holiday parties

-- Spend the weekend at a Renaissance fair

Imagine the Frostbite...

I went skiing once. I didn't really like it. I guess it could have been worse.

Some Very Serious Medical Research

In news nearly as shocking as this, Yahoo! breaks this latest story:

Obese men reported better sexual function after losing lots of weight in a new study, one of several to show the side benefits of slimming down.

The research involved 97 men with an average age of 48, all of whom were "morbidly obese." The conclusions are based on the patients' own reporting of sexual function before and again several months after gastric bypass surgery that allowed them to shed significant poundage. [...]

The findings were published in December in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons.

Can you imagine the research group hosted by the JACS?

I imagine the technically sophisticated discussion went a lot like this:

Surgeon 1: We're here today to talk about fat people vs. sex. Does anyone have any ideas?

Surgeon 2: I've been analyzing some footage, and I have a theory about the effects of morbid obesity on sexual function: Frankly, I'm not sure its possible.

Surgeon 3: Surely the data must say otherwise...

Surgeon 2: Examine this series of pictures I found online...

[Series of gasps]

Surgeon 1: Heaven help us...

Surgeon 4: Are you speculating that sex amongst the morbidly obese is not simply functionally problematic, but entirely impossible?

Surgeon 2: I think the evidence is incontrovertible.

Surgeon 3: But let's consider if a solution already exists. These people spend so much time sitting down, they certainly have had time to think of a way around this.

Surgeon 6: I doubt it. I recall the insight of Sir Isaac Newton, who once said, "Brilliance in innovation springs often from the loins, but rarely from those loins beset by those devoutly porcine."

Surgeon 4: But these people must be engaging in such behavior -- otherwise where do fat people keep coming from?

Surgeon 6: That is what I'm trying to get at, for exa...

Surgeon 1: This is not a bacon-and-the-bees discussion, we are examining the data regarding the impact of a 10,000 calorie per day diet on the actions specifically outlined in the collected works of Marvin Gaye.

Surgeon 5: To that point, the [ahem] data suggests that some basic bumping around is possible, but not any recognizable sexual function.

Surgeon 2: Precisely.

Surgeon 1: Let's summarize this for the December issue!

And we wonder why no major diseases have been cured for 70 years.

To Get a Bigger Piece of the Pie, it Depends Where You Sit

With the economy showing no signs of a pulse, the number of people seeking unemployment benefits has now reached a 26-year high.

The sting of unemployment can be greatly mitigated by where you live, however.

BusinessWeek notes,

In good times, consumers search out the best places to eat, raise their kids, take a vacation, or pursue a career. But as the recession deepens and more workers lose their jobs, a more germane search may well be the best places to be unemployed.

Around the country, some states offer far more unemployment money than others -- from a $900 per week maximum in Massachusetts, to a $210 per month maximum in Mississippi.

State assistance for anything is typically the domain of the Left, and unemployment benefits appear to be no different: A review of the 2008 electoral map provides some stark cross references with BusinessWeek's list of the 10 states with the lowest weekly maximum benefit and the 10 states with the highest weekly maximum benefit.

Unsurprisingly, all 10 of the top spending states voted for Obama, and 9 out of the 10 of the lowest spending did not.

The reasons are pretty obvious. The 10 top spending states have unemployment rates which, on average, are over half a percent higher than the low spenders (6.53% vs. 6.02%) and these top spending states are far more populous, meaning that half percentage represents tens of millions more people.

The populations of these top sending states not only want the gravy train to keep coming, but, in 2008, reacted positively to Obama's promise of "One entire gravy train per person! No more waiting for your share of the cargo, now you can have the whole locomotive! Yes, you can!"

General Contractors of the Absurd

In a previous life (1999 to 2000), I spent a considerable amount of time working with Habitat for Humanity, and, because of that, this story comes as no surprise.

Residents of a model housing estate bankrolled by Hollywood celebrities and hand-built by Jimmy Carter, the former US president, are complaining that it is falling apart.

Fairway Oaks was built on northern Florida wasteland by 10,000 volunteers, including Carter, in a record 17-day “blitz” organised by the charity Habitat for Humanity.

Eight years later it is better known for cockroaches, mildew and mysterious skin rashes.

Anyone who has ever worked with Habitat has come away with two very distinct feelings:

1) I'm really glad I helped out with this.

2) I would never live in this death trap.

Like far too many other organizations or causes that can be described as the “darling of liberal social activists” (as Habitat is in this article), this ostensibly great idea is planned, executed, argued for, and maintained with the delicate precision of a wrecking ball.

Only the hype and promotion surrounding the cause are delivered flawlessly -- and the momentum of this perceived victory will propel its organizers to their next big project to free Mumia, lobby in Gaza or chain college dropouts to trees.

Things That Aren't on Your Grocery List this Week

In this week's meat-related news, I offer you this story about monkeys.

No, not this kind of story -- this story doesn't lend itself to the cinema quite as easily.

A federal judge in Brooklyn has rejected a Liberian woman's religious reasons for smuggling endangered monkey meat into the country. [...]

Manneh was charged with smuggling the meat three years ago after customs agents seized a shipment of primate parts as it passed through Kennedy Airport on the way to her home in Staten Island.

Manneh's lawyers claimed a First Amendment right, arguing that some Liberian Christians eat monkey meat for spiritual reasons.

The BHB has reported on similar stories and, frankly, can't we consider all of the above to be gateway meats along the path to other dietary missteps?

Squeezing in Some Last-Minute Scandal into an Otherwise Quiet Life

I recognize that some couples have to resort to some pretty far-fetched measures to keep the waning days of their [ahem] physical relationship "interesting," but this is absurd.

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing.

Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed.

The cops haven't figured out that this is not what it seems. I mean, the gentleman in question was using a pretty obvious fake name.

Pledges: Persistent Illiteracy

Yahoo! News scored a major victory and early Pulitzer consideration by breaking this story on Monday:

Many Teens Don't Keep Virginity Pledges.

Teens who take virginity pledges are just as likely to have sex as teens who don't make such promises.

In other groundbreaking news, water is wet.

The BHB has addressed this topic before (here and here), and it doesn't get any less ridiculous in the re-tellings.

The research also noted:

"Virginity pledgers and similar non-pledgers don't differ in the rates of...sexual behavior," Rosenbaum said. "Strikingly, pledgers are less likely than similar non-pledgers to use condoms and also less likely to use any form of birth control."

What are the odds that something your youth group buddies shame you into signing won't hold water the moment things start going your way with the ladies? In a rational world, wouldn't this send a subtle (i.e. multi-decibel, glow-in-the-dark) message to the Evangelical Right that fostering genuine personal principles and behavior ought to be a matter of far greater concern than public declarations of faith or psuedo contracts when it comes to any facet of personal morality?

Of course not. These are the same geniuses that sent Bush to the White House twice and selected the weakest GOP candidate in the last 50 years (aside from Bob Dole) in 2008.

Because Who Wants an Extra Daughter Hanging Around the House?

Because they are completely reasonable people, a large Palestinian family has offered one of its daughters to the Iraqi journalist who threw a shoe at President Bush last week.

The head of a large West Bank family wants to reward the Iraqi journalist who lobbed his shoes at President George W. Bush by sending him a bride.

Ahmad Salim Judeh says if journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi is interested the family is willing to send one of their daughters to Iraq along with her dowry.

What does the to-be-named daughter have to say about this? The chances of her vocalizing any opposition to this are mitigated by her desire to avoid the death penalty that speaking in public requires.

Getting Freaky, But Not in a Good Way

Nothing throws a wrench into your daily routine of news consumption quite like stumbling across this headline:

Spiders have some seriously creepy sex habits: Mounting evidence in recent years shows just how crazy spider sex really is.

Because it is a completely legitimate news organization, Live Science proceeds to offer an entire article based on this headline's unlikely premise.

The lead sentence even reads: "Spiders are bizarre sex freaks."

The abundance of adjective in this statement presupposes that this fact will be our lone reservation about spiders; it implies that despite everything we love about arachnids, there are a few things that are weird or scary. It's also interesting that the subject of sentence like this is a spider and not Prince or R. Kelly.

So, just how "weird" and "freaky" are these mating practices?

The article offers this:

But it's all harmless fun... no wait, actually it's very harmful. Girl kills guy or guy kills girl -- there's shrill crying, plugged orifices, torn-off genitals, eaten body parts, and psychedelic rituals.

Coincidentally, this same passage appears in the Sex-Ed pamphlet my friends studied in parochial school.

If Your Mail-Order Bride Service Won't Take a Check, Consider This

The media is gorged with stories about old men contracting assassins to kill family members, but last week we finally stumbled across a twist on this tired tale:

A Delaware man has been arrested after being accused of arranging a bizarre plot that involved castrating his ex-son-in-law.

Wilbur Eichman has been charged with one count of criminal solicitation after he paid a man cash to beat up his ex-son-in-law.

Police say Eichman paid 34-year-old Charles Pernot $1,200 to beat up the victim and even offered up a $3,000 bonus if Pernot cut off the victim's genitals. [...]

Investigators said Eichman even wanted his ex-son-in-law's genitals brought to him.

This may at first seem barbaric, but it is a story as old as recorded history.

The famed King Saul of Israel was a well known aficionado of male genitals, and, on one historic occasion, offered the hand of his daughter in marriage to David for the price of 100 foreskins.

Yes, foreskins.

Showing the kind of overachieving zeal that had already slayed a giant and would later lead him to the throne, David returned with 200 freshly scalped prepuces and promptly claimed his wife.

Think I'm making this up? I encourage you to read verses 25 to 27 here.

What does all this mean? Perhaps Wilbur is in the market for a spouse.

By ancient Israelite standards, she's a bargain.

Bat Country

If you're prone to having days that require seven or eight minutes of solid laughing or your head will explode, bookmark this link for future reference. Sure, owning the book might help make some of this make more sense, but it's a good place to start.

Key passage: We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: "What are these [bleeping] animals?"

Planning for the Next 100 Years

I'm not promising it will be fun, but everyone needs to read this very short article and consider whether or not the objections they held beforehand still hold up.

Key phrase: "Yes, trillion."

Trade Offs: Cows vs. Trees

It's ok if you laugh at this, but only if you send $100 to this guy.

Three Cheers for Us

Why is America so great?

I'll give you three reasons:

1) We're not afraid to challenge holiday tradition. And by "challenge" I mean "bring wild animals to a mall," and by "holiday tradition" I mean "Santa was almost eaten alive."

2) Name me another country in the neighborhood that has [bleeping] awesome fighter jets?

3) Rather than simply incorporate solar energy into our power grid (ok, not really) we work it into our clothes in completely rationale ways. And by "completely" I mean "not at all," and by "rational" I mean "ease up on the gel, hombre."

Universal Health Care: r u sure it workx?

If you've ever wondered how America could afford to provide universal health care, doctors in London may have figured it out.

A doctor volunteering in war-torn Congo performed a complex amputation to save a boy’s life by following instructions sent by text message from a colleague in London.

Just imagine the dialog that will be enjoyed during your future heart operation:

Doctor 1: wut r u doin?

Doctor 2: chillin

Doctor 1: need sum help

Doctor 2: nother surgry?

Doctor 1: y - hrt bipass

Doctor 2: dewd!

Doctor 1: yeah

Doctor 2: LOL

Doctor 1: ideas?

Doctor 2: cut him in the chest

Doctor 1: k, now wut?

Doctor 2: ok so far?

Doctor 1: WTF lots of blood

Doctor 2: keep cutting

Doctor 1: next?

Doctor 2: hold on, other line

If You're Going Camping You'll Need Food, Boots and a Puppy

As if there weren't already enough reasons to love puppies, here's another one:

A toddler lost in the Virginia woods was back home safe Sunday thanks to two puppies who kept him warm through a harrowing night of freezing temperatures. [...]

Officials said the lost little boy and the two family puppies wandered up to a mile in the dark, even across a highway, but it wasn't until Saturday afternoon that members of the search team found him sitting by a tree, the two puppies nestled against him.

This doesn't mean other animals can't be great pets, but I think this headline would have read differently had other animals been involved:

Cat: A child went missing over the weekend and it is of no concern to the family pet.

Ferret: The owner of a fir-covered snake with legs has lost her three-year-old son.

Parrot: A young child remains missing, but Mr. Beaky McTweetersons can count to 20 and say "hello" in four languages.

Bear: A missing child was the main course in a recent missing persons incident.

Hamster: The inexplicable domestication of rodents continues in the home of a rat-loving toddler.

This list can go on endlessly, but perhaps it's a happier subject to dwell on the animals that would be a good match for a night out alone.

Cheer Up, Vice Tourists -- You'll Always Have Bangkok

Everyday is exciting when you follow the news closely. Sometimes you even get to see something totally unexpected. This week, the news comes from the Netherlands: "Amsterdam to close many brothels, marijuana cafes."

In other news, Germany is outlawing beer, England is making orthodontics mandatory, and China is going to stop executing people for fun.

Another note about this story: The argument on behalf of decriminalizing drugs and prostitution is that their illegality contributes to organized crime. Officials in Amsterdam appear to have learned otherwise.

Amsterdam unveiled plans Saturday to close brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes in its ancient city center as part of a major effort to drive organized crime out of the tourist haven.

The city is targeting businesses that "generate criminality," including gambling parlors, and the so-called "coffee shops" where marijuana is sold openly. Also targeted are peep shows, massage parlors and souvenir shops used by drug dealers for money-laundering.

Most of my roommates in college would be very upset to hear the argument stating that legalizing these things does not lessen organized crime, but, in fact, gives them an ideal money laundering operation -- considerer that many of these places primarily do business in cash since, understandably, many patrons don't want "Jorgen's Sex Super Outlet" on their credit card statement.

Setting the Agenda: Gauging Our Priorities

Many serious problems go unaddressed or unnoticed by the general population until some aspect of that problem becomes very personal.

For any men not already concerned about pollution, that tipping point is at hand: If something is not done about pollution your junk will fall off.

The male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people. [...]

It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminised genitals.

"This research shows that the basic male tool kit is under threat," says Gwynne Lyons, a former government adviser on the health effects of chemicals, who wrote the report.

The upcoming covers of men's magazines are pretty easy to predict. Early editions of Maxim, ESPN, Men's Health and Outdoor Life all seem to convey the same basic message.

Here's to a cleaner earth and functional gonads!

Lonely Women of the Earth, Heave a Sigh of Relief

It was with a heavy heart that the BHB reported this news months ago, but now hope is in sight! Maybe!

The actor, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year, issued a statement Tuesday affirming that so far he is winning his fight against the disease and responding well to treatment. [...]

Swayze, who stars in the upcoming A&E; series "The Beast," says such coverage is tantamount to "emotional cruelty," and angers him "when hope is so precious."

In a related statement, Swayze confirmed that not only is hope "so precious," but also rainbows are "awesome" and happy thoughts are "totally the best!"

White Collar/Thorax Crime

Say what you want about China's appalling human rights record, but at least they take ant fraud seriously:

China has executed the leader of a bogus scheme for breeding ants to make aphrodisiacs that conned investors out of 3 billion yuan ($439 million), the official Xinhua news agency said on Thursday. [...]

Wang promised investors in the fictitious project returns of 35 to 60 percent, Xinhua said. The ants were to be used for making liquor, herbal remedies and aphrodisiacs.

I did some research trying to come up with a punchline for this, but I couldn't come up with anything.

Lasers, Yes. Laser Weapons, Unfortunately No.

As if challa bread and three major religions weren't enough contributions for one small country, Israel is at it again:

Surgeons of the future may have to learn welding rather than sewing. [...]

A team led by Prof. Abraham Katzir [has] found a way to maintain laser heat at the correct temperature so that the incision is sealed to minimize the risk of infection and scars and speed healing.

I think this is a great idea, but I'd be a lot more interested if this article focused on the ability of lasers to create big holes in people, rather than close them up.

Necessity is the Mother of Inspira... Being Utterly Ridiculous

I remember reading, years ago, about how NFL player Shawn King, kept gallons of "clean" urine in his garage so that he could pass as many drug tests as necessary. When he unexpectedly ran out, he had his girlfriend FedEx him some of her own (I'm not kidding). His whole scheme was finally uncovered when the lab let Shawn know the good news: He was pregnant.

If only the technology had existed, I'm sure Mr. King would have gotten a lot of use out of this contraband device:

Two men whose company sold a device known as the Whizzinator that helped men cheat on drug tests have pleaded guilty in federal court

The Whizzinator is a prosthetic penis that comes with a heating element and fake urine. U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan's office says the goal of it...was to help people pass drug tests.

The good news is that this story contains no bona fide disasters. Usually when you read the words "two men" and "prosthetic penis that comes with a heating element" you can guess how the rest of the article is going to turn out.

Amazingly, this time it didn't end with "grizzly home video footage" or "proctologists are unable to determine a cause of death."

Doctors of NYC: No Thank You

I miss a lot of things about NYC, but one thing I do not miss are the state-funded death chambers known as "public hospitals."

This sad fact about my former home emphasized today when I saw this headline: "32-Year-Old Suing Brooklyn Hospital Center For Millions After Gangrene Takes Over Her Body, Attacks Optic Nerve."

Oh my...

Surely the term "gangrene takes over" is a poor euphemism for something else, right?

It was on Sept. 14 when Mullings came to the hospital suffering from abdominal pain, and had a kidney stone, and a condition with a known propensity for infection.

But Mullings' lawyers say there was no blood test. She was sent home, and when her fiancé brought her back the next day, an infection was raging. It choked off the blood flow to her extremities. After gangrene set in, her hands turned black, her feet turned black, all four limbs had to be amputated.

"What happened was, the infection attacked not only her hands and feet, but also the optic nerve which is why she went blind in one eye and half blind in the other eye and is now legally blind as well," Rubenstein said

If you think socialized medicine is a great idea, just imagine what it will be like when these hospitals are run by volunteers.

By 2015 It'll Be Like Ordering Off a Menu

If you're in the market for any new internal organs, you're in luck.

A 30-year-old Spanish woman has made medical history by becoming the first patient to receive a whole organ transplant grown using her own cells. Experts said the development opened a new era in surgery in which the repair of worn-out body parts would be carried out with personally customized replacements.

Claudia Castillo, who lives in Barcelona, underwent the operation to replace her windpipe after tuberculosis had left her with a collapsed lung and unable to breathe. The bioengineered organ was transplanted into her chest last June at the Hospital Clinic in Barcelona.

Sure, this sounds good right now, but when men with chronic impotence or [ahem] limited scrotal capacity start asking for upgrades, this breakthrough will get gross fast.

Still Not Adding Up

As the BHB has reported many times, the brain trust behind the global warming alarms are at it again:

On Monday, Nasa's Goddard Institute for Space Studies (GISS), which is run by Al Gore's chief scientific ally, Dr James Hansen, and is one of four bodies responsible for monitoring global temperatures, announced that last month was the hottest October on record.

This news sounds a bit strange considering that unusual amounts of snow was falling during October -- but why would James and Al wouldn't knowingly falsify data, would they?

I mean, what are the odds that a certifiable global menace can be so radically ill-informed...

The reason for the freak figures was that scores of temperature records from Russia and elsewhere were not based on October readings at all. Figures from the previous month had simply been carried over and repeated two months running.

The error was so glaring that when it was reported on the two blogs - run by the US meteorologist Anthony Watts and Steve McIntyre, the Canadian computer analyst who won fame for his expert debunking of the notorious "hockey stick" graph - GISS began hastily revising its figures.

This only made the confusion worse because, to compensate for the lowered temperatures in Russia, GISS claimed to have discovered a new "hotspot" in the Arctic - in a month when satellite images were showing Arctic sea-ice recovering so fast from its summer melt that three weeks ago it was 30 per cent more extensive than at the same time last year.

A GISS spokesman lamely explained that the reason for the error in the Russian figures was that they were obtained from another body, and that GISS did not have resources to exercise proper quality control over the data it was supplied with.

This is an astonishing admission: the figures published by Dr Hansen's institute are not only one of the four data sets that the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) relies on to promote its case for global warming, but they are the most widely quoted, since they consistently show higher temperatures than the others.

If there is one scientist more responsible than any other for the alarm over global warming it is Dr Hansen, who set the whole scare in train back in 1988 with his testimony to a US Senate committee chaired by Al Gore. Again and again, Dr Hansen has been to the fore in making extreme claims over the dangers of climate change. [...]

Yet last week's latest episode is far from the first time Dr Hansen's methodology has been called in question. In 2007 he was forced by Mr Watts and Mr McIntyre to revise his published figures for US surface temperatures, to show that the hottest decade of the 20th century was not the 1990s, as he had claimed, but the 1930s.

Of course, Watts' research will be assailed for being a part of some vast right wing conspiracy, but it's hard to imagine that a scientist of that much renown (or any of the others expressing doubts that are founded in the data) would expend such energy arguing about something that would destroy the planet if there was indeed something substantive behind the panic.

Furthermore, the fact that a scientist is excoriated as a partisan hack he references the contextual data and finds glaring errors in the claims of global warming supports is absurd and intellectually dishonest.

In any other scientific setting, the evidence presented by Watts, John Christy, Patrick Moore and others would be replied to with additional data in support of the original claim. Yet, in the checkered history of the global warming debate, refutation has been met only with malice and character assassination. Nowhere is this more true than in politics and academia where the quickest way to unemployment is to express the kinds of doubts voiced by Watts, et. al.

In a speech delivered in 2005, scientist (Harvand and Cambridge) and novelist Michael Crichton commented,

Our approach to global warming exemplifies everything that is wrong with our approach to the environment. We are basing our decisions on speculation, not evidence. Proponents are pressing their views with more PR than scientific data.

Indeed, we have allowed the whole issue to be politicized—red vs blue, Republican vs Democrat. This is in my view absurd. Data aren't political. Data are data. Politics leads you in the direction of a belief. Data, if you follow them, lead you to truth. [...]

As most of you have heard many times, the consensus of climate scientists believes in global warming. Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled.

Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had.

Let's be clear: the work of science has nothing whatever to do with consensus. Consensus is the business of politics. Science, on the contrary, requires only one investigator who happens to be right, which means that he or she has results that are verifiable by reference to the real world.

In science, consensus is irrelevant. What is relevant is reproducible results. The greatest scientists in history are great precisely because they broke with the consensus.

And furthermore, the consensus of scientists has frequently been wrong. As they were wrong when they believed, earlier in my lifetime, that the continents did not move. [...]

So let's look at global warming. We start with the summary for policymakers, which is what everybody reads. ...Turning to page three we find what are arguably the two most important graphs in climate science in 2001.

Crichton goes on to explain that the first graph presented in the official report (charting global temperatures since 1830), looks like this.

But this chart graphs only the extreme one-day temperatures of each year, not the average temperature of each year -- the thorough kind of data necessary to make conclusions about year-over-year temperature increases.

When the average yearly temperature is input, the graph looks like this.

So where do temperature fluctuations come from?

Could it be the source of all temperature in our corner of the galaxy?

Now we must ask, if surface temperatures have gone up in the twentieth century, what has caused the rise? Most people have been taught that the increase is caused by carbon dioxide, but that is by no means clear.

Two factors that were previously not of concern have recently come to the renewed attention of scientists. The first is the sun. In the past it was imagined that the effect of the sun was fairly constant and therefore any rise in temperature must be caused by some other factor.

But it is now clear from work of scientists at the Max Planck institute in Germany that the sun is not constant, and is right now at a 1,000 year maximum. The data comes from sunspots.

A giant ball of hot gas that burns at uneven, cyclical temperatures... can that be an enormous factor in the heat fluctuations of our own planet?

As the single most powerful object in our solar system, is it possible to assume it is a major factor in the rise and fall of temperatures both now and long before man?

But, alas, shouldn't some action be taken, even if this warming pandemic is only remotely possible?

Perhaps this is the state of climate science, as the IPCC itself tell us. Nevertheless we read every day about the dire consequences of global warming. What if I am wrong? What if a major temperature rise is really going to happen? Shouldn't we act now and be safe? Don't we have a responsibility to unborn generations to do so?

Here is again the IPCC chart of predictions for 2100. As you see, they range from a low of 1.5 degrees to a high of 6 degrees. That is a 400% variation. It's fine in academic research. Now let's transfer this to the real world.

In the real world, a 400% uncertainty is so great that nobody acts on it. Ever.

If you planned to build a house and the builder said, it will cost somewhere between a million and a half and six million dollars, would you proceed? Of course not, you'd get a new builder. If you told your boss you were going on vacation and would be gone somewhere between 15 and 60 days, would he accept that? No, he'd say tell me exactly what day you will be back. Real world estimation has to be much, much better than 400%.

When all is said and done, Kyoto is a giant global construction project. In the real world nobody builds with that much uncertainty.

I think it is important to recognize that we can adapt to the temperature changes that are being discussed. We are told that catastrophe will befall if we increase global temperature 2 degrees. But that is the difference in average temperature between New York and Washington DC. I don't think most New Yorkers think a move to Washington is balmy. Similarly, a move to San Diego is an increase of 9 degrees.

Of course this is not a fair comparison, because a local change is not the same as a global change. But it ought at least to alert you to the possibility that perhaps things are not as dire as we are being told.

Crichton goes on to quote the official United Nations IPCC report that begins with "Climate variations and change, caused by external forcings, may be partly predictable, particularly on the larger, continental and global, spatial scales. Because human activities, such as the emission of greenhouse gases or land-use change, do result in external forcing, it is believed that the large-scale aspects of human-induced climate change are also partly predictable" but concludes in its summary, "In climate research and modeling, we should recognize that we are dealing with a coupled non-linear chaotic system and therefore that the long-term prediction of future climate states is not possible. The most we can expect to achieve is the prediction of the probability distribution of the system's future possible states."

I can't imagine why this passage didn't make it into An Inconvenient Truth.

Also consider this quote from the IPCC:

"While we do not consider that the complexity of a climate model makes it impossible to ever prove such a model "false" in any absolute sense, it does make the task of evaluation extremely difficult and leaves room for a subjective component in any assessment."

Crichton responds,

Now, the term "subjective" ought to set off alarm bells in every person here. Science, by definition, is not subjective. I will point out to you that this is precisely the kind of issue that has Americans furious about the EPA.

We know you can't let a drug company manufacture a drug and also test it---that's unreliable, and everybody knows it. So why in this high stakes climate issue do we allow the same person who makes a climate model to test it? [...]

If we should not spend our money on Kyoto, what should we do instead?

First, we need to establish 21st century policy mechanisms. I want to return to those pages from the IPCC. The fact is if we required the same standard of information from climate scientists that we do from drug companies, the whole debate on global warming would be long over. We wouldn't be talking about it. We need mechanisms to insure a much, much higher standard of reliability in information in the future. [...]

We now have research to help us formulate strategies for management of complex systems. But I am not sure we have organizations capable of making these changes.

Capable? It's the willingness that I'm worried about.

Mexican Viagra

When I first moved to NYC, my creepy neighbor kept talking about the time share he bought in Cancun.

He seemed pretty enthusiastic, but I would have never guessed he was planning this far ahead.

Considering the Economy, It's Time to Take Matters into Your Own Hands

Regular BHB readers know that I've been saying this for years, but I'll say it again: Ladies of Britain, there is only so much of me to go around.

Britain is facing a sperm donor shortage after reversing confidentiality laws and limiting the number of women who can use sperm from one donor, fertility experts warned Wednesday.

Although it might not seem this way at first, upholding the law is just as important as being lucky enough to acquire my DNA.

This isn't the first remarkably stupid law coming out of the UK, but it certainly is the most recent, and it's the only one that directly impacts my ability to earn money in Euros rather than USD.

As has been the case since Yorktown, the US has gotten this one right:

"The only countries that seem to have enough sperm are those that pay — like the U.S. and Spain — or the countries that retain anonymity," said Allan Pacey, a member of the British Fertility Society.

For those of you taking offense at such ideas, keep in mind that your friendly neighborhood sperm bank pays $200 per [ahem] sample and allows for two [ahem] deposits to be made each week.

For those of you keeping score, that's 65% better than the Federal minimum wage.

And talk about a renewable resource...

Warning: The Nerds Will Not be Mocked

If you are an enormous nerd and commune with vindictive women, your virtual world may be about to come to a violent, bloody end.

A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday. [...]

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said. [...]

The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead. [...]

The police official said he did not know if she was married in the real world.

Please note that this "divorce" took place between people whose avatars were married -- not between people engaged in an actual legal union.

Somewhere in this story there's a Leroy Jenkins joke, but I can't quite come up with it.

Also, I'm a bit skeptical that this divorce occurred "without a word of warning."

I'm fairly sure this IM convo took place several dozen times:

Husband (a.k.a. R0gue_P1/\/\p724): Honey, can we talk?

Wife (a.k.a. $exxyK@t): Hold on, I jus...

H: It's kind of important, I feel like we don't communicate.

W: You what? I think that... holy crap, cave trolls!

H: This is what I'm talking about.

W: I JUST GOT +17 HIT POINTS WITH FIRE AXES!!!

H: My fake attorney will be putting fake divorce papers in the fake mail. Consider this a word of warning.

W: What did you say about a bird of morning? Yeah, ok, cool.

The TV rights to Not Without My Avatar have already been sold.

San Francisco: Like Bangkok, but with More Rice-a-Roni

I love San Francisco, but my future trips may require me to stay in the suburbs rather than wander its miles of waterfront avenues:

In this live-and-let-live town, where medical marijuana clubs do business next to grocery stores and an annual fair celebrates sadomasochism, prostitutes could soon walk the streets without fear of arrest.

San Francisco would become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters next month approve Proposition K—a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex.

Somewhere in this story there is room for the worn out Ray Romano joke about, "I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off."

I'm most interested in the title of this proposed legislation.

What are the odds that an ordinance focusing on prostitutes would include the word "Proposition?" And why "K?" Did the local lawmakers forget that "Ch" are the first letters in chlamydia?

Airport Insecurities

The average person understands the Patriot Act is a farce of cosmic proportions, but, beyond this reality, most people are not armed with specifics about the scope of its failure -- even in the arena they most commonly intersect it: The airport.

Atlantic writer Jeff Goldberg, with the help of security expert Bruce Schneier, offers chilling insight into just how vulnerable we are to attack, despite the dangerous (ostensibly protective) powers the Patriot Act grants the Federal government.

Goldberg excoriates the layers of TSA security we face at every airport from start to finish, beginning with easily forged boarding passes:

[Bruce] had made these boarding passes in his sophisticated underground forgery works, which consists of a Sony Vaio laptop and an HP LaserJet printer, in order to prove that the Transportation Security Administration, which is meant to protect American aviation from al-Qaeda, represents an egregious waste of tax dollars, dollars that could otherwise be used to catch terrorists before they arrive at the Minneapolis–St. Paul International Airport, by which time it is, generally speaking, too late.

Goldberg and Schneier made it past the first checkpoint with no problems.

The next step is passing through the x-ray and metal detection checkpoint.

We took our shoes off and placed our laptops in bins. Schnei­er took from his bag a 12-ounce container labeled “saline solution.”

“It’s allowed,” he said. Medical supplies, such as saline solution for contact-lens cleaning, don’t fall under the TSA’s three-ounce rule.

“What’s allowed?” I asked. “Saline solution, or bottles labeled saline solution?”

“Bottles labeled saline solution. They won’t check what’s in it, trust me.”

They did not check. As we gathered our belongings, Schnei­er held up the bottle and said to the nearest security officer, “This is okay, right?” “Yep,” the officer said. “Just have to put it in the tray.”

“Maybe if you lit it on fire, he’d pay attention,” I said, risking arrest for making a joke at airport security. (Later, Schnei­er would carry two bottles labeled saline solution—24 ounces in total—through security. An officer asked him why he needed two bottles. “Two eyes,” he said. He was allowed to keep the bottles.)

On another occasion,

At O’Hare International Airport in Chicago, I was wearing under my shirt a spectacular, only-in-America device called a “Beerbelly,” a neoprene sling that holds a polyurethane bladder and drinking tube. The Beerbelly, designed originally to sneak alcohol—up to 80 ounces—into football games, can quite obviously be used to sneak up to 80 ounces of liquid through airport security.

My Beerbelly, which fit comfortably over my beer belly, contained two cans’ worth of Bud Light at the time of the inspection. It went undetected. The eight-ounce bottle of water in my carry-on bag, however, was seized by the federal government.

At first glance this might seem to be a fairly juvenile thing to do over and over again (which Schneier does, and you can read all about it on his website as well as his numerous op-eds), and you can even make a case that stories like this just give the terrorists ideas.

But those arguments miss the point entirely.

The terrorists who are determined and sophisticated enough to attack us already know about these weaknesses. They already know countless other things, too -- and the fact that the primary safeguards are so easy to defeat does not bode well for any other section of the DHS security apparatus.

Said another way: If you buy a bullet-proof vest that can't stop a pellet gun, what's going to happen when someone shows up with some real hardware?

The sense of danger is real and impending, and rather than take preventative measures (or because of a mind-boggling inability to do so) we are provided with what Schneier calls "security theater" that is intended to provide the appearance of a cohesive protective system.

“The whole system is designed to catch stupid terrorists,” Schnei­er told me.

A smart terrorist, he says, won’t try to bring a knife aboard a plane, as I had been doing; he’ll make his own, in the airplane bathroom.

Schnei­er told me the recipe: “Get some steel epoxy glue at a hardware store. It comes in two tubes, one with steel dust and then a hardener. You make the mold by folding a piece of cardboard in two, and then you mix the two tubes together. You can use a metal spoon for the handle. It hardens in 15 minutes.”

Great. To hear Schnei­er tell it, the only thing making flying safe is the passengers.

“Only two things have made flying safer: the reinforcement of cockpit doors, and the fact that passengers know now to resist hijackers.”

This just reinforces the need for my program that calls for a long series of continent-spanning canals.

New Heights: Political Discourse in 2008

The blogs are buzzing about a joke John Kerry has made regarding McCain wearing adult diapers.

Get a life, Kerry.

I made that joke 10 months ago.

Crazy? Yes. Unique? No.

If eating weird food, scaring her kids, ignoring her husband and smearing herself with grease before going to bed is enough to earn Madonna front-page tabloid coverage, then my mom should be getting her own Lifetime movie.

Bear vs. Man -- The Result May Surprise You

Don't get me wrong, being able to kill a bear with nothing but a stick is impressive.

I'm far more impressed by this than the thousands of hunters who head out into the woods every year with rifles capable of knocking down satellites.

Thus, I give Jim West (to answer your next question:  No) serious credit:

A man who was attacked by a black bear while walking his dogs survived only after crushing the creature's skull with a stick.

Jim West needed 60 stitches on his head and body to close wounds from the terrifying attack. 

The 45 year old was out walking his dogs on Saturday in British Columbia, Canada, when, he said, he heard a grunt and turned around. [...]

'I had no option … So I stuck my foot up and tried to kick her in the face.'

The bear responded by attacking him and knocking him to the ground. [...]

'I swung my piece of wood like a sledgehammer driving spikes and I kept swinging till she was lying flat on the ground and there was blood coming out of her nose.

The 5ft 9in man eventually crushed the bear's skull with the stick, killing it. He then walked a mile to a local lodge, where he was transported to hospital.  

Let me repeat:  Single handedly killing a bear is impressive, but I would still be afraid of the repercussions.  You never know when Forest Whitaker might be nearby.

Once Again, the Problem of Illiteracy

They're at it again -- those crazy kids and their inability to stay non-pregnant.  Or non-non-pregnant, depending on what you read.

To hear the experts tell it, this is endemic of a problem they like to call "a lack of sexual literacy."  The BHB has tackled this topic at great length -- but perhaps we shouldn't leap to blame illiteracy in this case.

To be fair, in Louisiana, they are also the regular kind of illiterate, and I'm sure that complicates things.

Finally Cats Do Something Remotely Useful

If you're going to be in Peru in the near future, bring a napkin:

Animal rights groups are up in arms over an annual festival in Peru that serves up hundreds of fried cats to locals.

The 'Gastronomical Festival of the Cat' – dubbed the 'Massacre of the Moggies' – sees townsfolk in Canete, near Lima, feast on the fluffy pets for two days. [...]

It is also believed that feline meat serves as an aphrodisiac.  The cats are bred especially for this festival.

I can only imagine the dishes prepared at this festival.  I imagine the stew gives an all new meaning to "Meow Mix," and if the menus don't include clever references to Andrew Lloyd Webber and T. S. Elliot, I'm going to be deeply disappointed.

Charles Darwin Would Have Loved the NBA

If you're like me, and you're been pretty excited about where this whole evolution thing is headed, this news out of the UK is a bit depressing:

Human evolution is grinding to a halt...according to a leading genetics expert.

Why is our genome denying us our rightfully expected superpowers?

The geniuses in Britain believe the reason for the lack of genetic mutation is the shortage of old men having kids -- the kinds of guys producing [ahem] genetic material that is malformed and will therefore lead to the mutations that cause evolutionary progress.  "A drop in the number of older fathers," the experts explain, "will thus have a major effect on the rate of mutation.”

The more kids produced by a man with a genetic abnormality, the more evolution is able to go about its business of providing me with the means to walk through walls.

Researchers even cite a historical example of this process that sheds some light on a modern-day solution:

Professor Jones added: “In the old days, you would find one powerful man having hundreds of children.” He cites the fecund Moulay Ismail of Morocco, who died in the 18th century, and is reputed to have fathered 888 children. 

So all we need is powerful men having absurd numbers of children?

Attention Intraweb users:  If you've ever said a bad thing about professional sports, you should be ashamed of yourself.

While the rest of us are raising our average sized families, pro athletes were following the lead of Moulay and reproducing at prodigious rates.

Those deserving the greatest thanks include:

-- Shawn Kemp (13 children via 9 women)
-- Jason Caffey (10 children via 8 women)
-- Calvin Murphy (14 children via 9 women)
-- Travis Henry (9 children via 9 women)
-- Evander Holyfield (9 children via 6 women)
-- And the list goes on and on

It's not an easy job -- as any Moroccan noble can tell you -- but if you want to shoot laser beams out of your eyeballs, it's a small price to pay.

Flying the Way Too Friendly Skies

Strange things are afoot at high altitude:

Gina Rousett is still traumatized eight months after she says a JetBlue flight from Fort Lauderdale, Fla. to Newark turned into a nightmare. 

It started with what she thought was a friendly conversation with a flight attendant, but looking back now, she says she should have been wary. [...]

"He kept telling me that he wanted me," Rousset said. "At one point he said, 'You know you want me,' and [he was] always grabbing himself, all the time." 

And she said twice he tossed his cell phone, showing naked pictures of himself, onto her tray table. 

This is genuinely shocking stuff.  I can understand why this might happen on an American Airlines flight, but they have TVs on JetBlue -- no one should be getting this starved for entertainment.

If You Own a Pair of Levis, Perform an Exorcism on Them Immediately

I am officially terrified of denim.  Pretty much forever.

From here on, I'm sticking with sweatpants and man capris.

Meanwhile, People Dying of Cancer Say: "Thanks for Nothing"

The same week that we hear news of MIT scientists replicating human smell receptors (i.e. artificial noses), we also read of charges being filed (and then dismissed) against this man in West Virginia.

As impressive as MIT's work on this project is, they are still decades away from replicating the process of chasing down your little brother, holding him down, and sitting on his head.

Does this Mean a Kangaroo Plays the Role of the Stork?

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that babies do not come from waterfalls.

Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year.

I always thought this waterfalls=babies connection was just a story the Amish tell their children to keep them from wearing swimsuits.

But who am I to question an Oscar winner...

Judge, Jury and Contraceptive

I'm familiar with the concept of citizen's arrest, but I want to know how I can help enforce this:

A judge in Travis County has ordered a woman to stop having children as a condition of her probation in her case of injury to a child by omission, an extraordinary measure that legal experts say could be unconstitutional.

Obviously, the phrase "could be" can be interchanged with "definitely is," but I am nonetheless willing to do whatever I can to help.

Somewhere in this story there's a joke about the "literacy" problem discussed earlier, but I just can't come up with it.

The Dangers of Illiteracy

The attention being foisted upon these purity rings is ridiculous.  It would appear, to hear proponents of the jewelry tell it, that these rings are the lone item standing between us and a nation full of pregnant 15-year-olds.

In the final paragraphs of the Reuters article about the rings, there is a comment from an expert complaining about abstinence-only education -- something never mentioned in the rest of the article.

Critics applaud the principle but say the problems arise when young Americans grow up, and are often ignorant of how to manage contraception and sexual health when they do decide to have sex. [...]

"But these abstinence pledges leave people completely unprepared, once they make the decision to become sexually active, and what happens is that we have a society that is sexually illiterate," said Michael Reece, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University.

Please note:  From this day forward, my all-time favorite phrase is Sexual Illiteracy.  If I don't hear about a band naming themselves this in the near future, I will consider it a monumental failure.

Also, perhaps it's because I played a lot of team sports in my youth where such matters were serious topics of discussion, but by the time I reached an age where sexual activity became an option for my peers, I was not relying on what I learned in school to [ahem] handle matters.

Furthermore, how much explanation do kids need to understand the basic principles of safe sex?  It's not as if we're asking them to do geometry; and it's difficult to argue that the basic tools are too complicated for a generation raised with Playstions cell phones.

What will it take to improve sexual literacy?  I'm guessing an animated series of slides would be pretty effective and, frankly, you wouldn't need very many frames to get the point across.

To make the lessons memorable, it would also be a good idea to get a celebrity or public figure to help teach it.

To save Mr. Reece the time and trouble, I've already put together the entire program.

In the News: Bob Marley Receives Postumous Research Grant

I support any research that tries to find organic remedies to problems typically solved with pharmaceuticals, but I think a team of scientists in Europe are misreading their data:

Researchers in Italy and Britain have found that the main active ingredient in marijuana — tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC — and related compounds show promise as antibacterial agents, particularly against microbial strains that are already resistant to several classes of drugs.

The infections haven't stopped because the bacteria has been eradicated, it's that the bacteria just doesn't care.

With a powerful enough microscope, you could observe this:

Staphylococcus 1:  So, are we going to wipe out this village, or what?

Staphylococcus 2:  Dude, chill out.

Scientist:  We've done it...

But Once it Has Grill Marks, Who Can Tell the Difference?

The proposed menu for my Labor Day BBQ is undergoing some major revisions after this news out of Phnom Penh.

The price of rat meat has quadrupled in Cambodia this year as inflation has put other meat beyond the reach of poor people, officials said on Wednesday...Spicy field rat dishes with garlic thrown in have become particularly popular.

Acting disgusted is a bit naive, I think. American's have long-since proven that they will eat anything if it is served on a decorative plate or in an attractive container and, furthermore, can you name the last time you turned down seconds of something served with a garlic sauce?

You also have to consider the basic math at work:

A nice cut of steak is going to cost you at least $10 per pound.

According to Reuters, rat meat can currently be found for $2.82 per pound.

Brillat-Savarin is just going to have to shut up.

Stop Punching Me, This is Hilarious!

Moscow, Idaho has produced its first big piece of news since ever.

MOSCOW, Idaho -- There's a reason comedians call it "dying on stage."

Research by a Washington State University linguist found that people who tell bad jokes often endure an astonishing outpouring of hostility from the listeners.

"These were basically attacks intended to result in the social exclusion or humiliation of the speaker, punctuated on occasion with profanity, a nasty glare or even a solid punch to the arm," said researcher Nancy Bell. [...]

A stupid joke insults the listener by suggesting that he or she might actually find it funny, Bell said.

This, at last, explains the series of arson attempts and bottle rocket barrages BHB HQ has endured over the past year.

This Does Not Bode Well for the Future of the Pacific Northwest

It was bad enough when the NYT took pot shots on my native land and their ill-fated decision to by automated, self-cleaning public toilets, but now even USA Today is even getting in on the fun.

Because it is a serious news organization, however, the NYT took the most time with the story, and, in gruesome detail, explained the many failings of Seattle's elected officials.

In the end, the restrooms, installed in early 2004, had become so filthy, so overrun with drug abusers and prostitutes, that although use was free of charge, even some of the city’s most destitute people refused to step inside them. [...] “I’m not going to lie: I used to smoke crack in there,” said one homeless woman, Veronyka Cordner, nodding toward the toilet behind Pike Place Market. “But I won’t even go inside that thing now. It’s disgusting.” [...] Users left so much trash behind that the automated floor scrubbers had to be disabled, and prostitutes and drug users found privacy behind the toilets’ locked doors.

When the local crackhead says your gross, you've officially hit whatever it is that lies several stories below rock bottom.

I also love how the NYT emphasizes that prostitutes found "privacy" in these bathrooms. OK, we get it NYT. We get it. All you had to say was prostitutes frequented the structures; we could have figured it out from there.

Now that the project is doomed, Seattle officials are not only running from the project, they are now comparing Seattle's ability to go #2 to the rest of the world.

Richard McIver, a Seattle city councilman, agrees. “Other cities around the world seem to be able to handle toilets civilly,” Mr. McIver said.

I have no defense for my homeland, but I promise you that automated coffee machines fare much better. Even the scary ones found in the back of hardware stores. You know the ones.

Tradition: Failed

I appreciate my brother's attempt to use a fake name, but, if he'd only gotten in shape before commencement, he could have easily out run police.

A judge has ordered a 19-year-old man to write an apology to a the city of Saratoga Springs in New York for dressing in an offensive costume at a high school graduation. 

 Calvin Morett had pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct for dressing in a 6-foot penis costume at the graduation at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center.

This is the problem with the younger generation:  They entirely lack of respect for tradition.

When the day came for me, my father, his father, and our great-grandfather to perform this time-honored Hawken tradition, we were ready.

Now the chain is broken and, out of shame, we will burn the vintage ensemble.

It Still Tastes Better than Burger King

There was a hot topic of conversation in line at the deli today:

A man claims that he was nearly cut when he found a knife baked into the bun of a cold-cut 12-inch sandwich he bought at a Subway restaurant in New York City. John Agnesini said he knew his lunch didn't taste right. The 27-year-old says he was horrified to find a 7-inch serrated blade in the bread.

Apparently no one has seen the new commercials with Jared advertising the foot-long Mouth Slash BLT.

The Famed Genital Magician of Indonesia

Across the world, guys who own Camaros are mourning:

An elderly Indonesian woman famed nationwide for supernatural skills in lengthening penises has died, reports said Thursday.

Not only was Ms. Erot a favorite of muscle car enthusiasts and obsessive sports fans, but she was the last remaining defense against the nefarious legions of magical penis thieves infesting the African mainland.

This loss is much akin to losing the supplier of fire hoses at a time when arsonists have run amuck.

Also, of particular note in this obituary, is the photo.  For sheer gag value, it is worth closer inspection.

I Hope You're Laying Down: This Info Will Blow You Away

It's nice to see the world's limited research funds being applied to fields of study producing useful, previously unknown data:

When it comes to one-night stands, men and women are poles apart. Guys just want, well, you know, while gals go to bed with the false impression of flattery and a craving for feeling desirable. The upshot, according to new research, is great for most men and the pits for most women.

In other news: Water is wet.

Not noted in the aforementioned article is the title of this study: The Odds of a Bunch of Guys with Ph.D.s Finally Getting Laid: A Comprehensive Analysis of How Lame it is Still Being a Virgin at 41 and What We Can Do About It.

You can only imagine the other findings this group of geniuses discovered:

-- Male respondents did not demonstrate a preference toward fat chicks.

-- Inebriation was shown to play a direct role in the perceived hotness of previously undesirable women.

-- The men studied expressed a high degree of confidence that they could, "Totally bag half the chicks at this party if I wanted to. But I don't."

-- While 80 percent of men had overall positive feelings about one-night stands, just 54 percent of women had positive feelings.

-- Men reported feelings of success and found the experiences more sexually satisfying than women did.

-- Nearly all respondents noted a positive reaction to boobs.

The sad news is that at least one of the above findings is actually included in the study.

What groundbreaking work can we expect next from this think tank? Papers currently being peer reviewed include:

Our Findings on Meth: It Makes Your Teeth Fall Out and Causes You to Shout at Squirrels

Q-Sorting Results of [Bleep]: That Stuff Really Stinks

A Qualitative Analysis of Cambridge Area Strippers: Our Results Indicate We Might Have a Chance With This One

Ivy League Scientists: We Have More Money than We Know What to Do With--No, Seriously, it's Ridiculous We Are Literally Drowning in Cash

How Much are You Worth? Hint: Between $7,000,000 and $4.50

"There is no value in life," Thoreau commented, "except what you choose to place upon it."

Nowhere is this fact more apparent than when the government, insurance companies or pharmaceutical manufacturers attempt to determine how much a program is worth or how much value its products will provide.

In order to determine these things, the price of a human life is a carefully (usually) calculated figure and, this week, our stock dropped.

A government agency has decided that an American life isn't worth what it used to be. The "value of a statistical life" is $6.9 million in today's dollars, the Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May -- a drop of nearly $1 million from just five years ago.

Why does this figure matter?

If an insurance company values a life as less valuable, you will get less compensation in the case of injury or death.

If a government decides your life is worth less, your death or injury may seem financially acceptable when compared to the costs of a program aimed at preventing health risks.

The AP explains,

Consider, for example, a hypothetical regulation that costs $18 billion to enforce but will prevent 2,500 deaths. At $7.8 million per person (the old figure), the lifesaving benefits outweigh the costs. But at $6.9 million per person, the rule costs more than the lives it saves, so it may not be adopted.

Putting valuations on human life is an odd thing to consider, but it is, nonetheless, a fact of business.

The necessity of these kinds of calculations are easily lost when otherwise unthinkable applications are presented, however.

One of the most heart wrenching scenarios comes from the world of pharmaceuticals.

In a best-case scenario, when drug companies decide where to allocate R&D funding, they base their decisions on what research is most likely to produce a drug that will save the most lives. This means that a new drug treating Disease A is expected to save the lives of thousands, but those with disease B are out of luck.

Detailed computer models are dedicated to seeing how many lives can be saved per dollar, and if it costs $70 million to save 100,000 lives, that is preferable to spending a similar amount to only save 80,000.

When viewed abstractly and logically, this makes sense. But, if your child or parent has disease B, the appeal to logic provides no comfort.

In a less-pleasant, albeit more likely scenario, drug companies make these types of valuations to instead determine the potential of a drug to make an enormous profit.

In this case, estimates on the worth of our lives are made based not on the number of people needing a specific cure, but on how high the demand is for a particular product. In other words, a cure for the common cold or herpes simplex would have the most customers, but a drug addressing heart disease would be in such high demand, and the company could charge so much for it, that redirecting R&D in this direction will have the greatest potential impact on the bottom line.

Professor Robert J. Stonebraker from Winthrop University comments,

If substitutes exist, higher prices always will reduce the quantity demanded. Price up, quantity demanded down. [...]

There is no substitute for life. Or is there? If the price of insulin rises to $5,000 per day, what will the diabetic do? If surgeons will remove your burst appendix only for an up-front payment of $2 million, what will you do? There is a substitute for life; it is death. [...]

When price rises, the quantity demanded falls. [...]

We pretend that life is priceless, but it is not. If we believed life was priceless, we would behave very differently. When push comes to shove, the price we are willing to pay to save a life is not very high. Our lips say life is priceless, but our actions say life is cheap. When price rises, the quantity demanded falls.

Much like the substitutes for fat and butter, the substitute for life is pretty awful.

"According to the EPA," the AP concludes, "people shouldn't think of the number as a price tag on a life."

That is exactly how big business looks at this figure, however.

But, considering that the human body's raw materials are worth approximately $4.50, I still feel like the EPA is offering me a bargain.

Nandi's Union of the M40A1

The "Word to Your..." blog is a lot of fun for many reasons, the blatant Vanilla Ice reference chief among them.

Their most recent post, however, is a bit of a rip off.

I'm pretty sure I saw that particular photo in the Full Metal Jacket edition of the Kama Sutra.

I am Too Dead to Write This

The problem with some moron in Waukesha, WI doing this is that it ruins the gig for all of us trying to do it in the big city.

A 52-year-old Milwaukee-area man has been accused of faking heart attacks to avoid paying restaurant bills and cab fares. Police say the Waukesha man took a cab to a mall Monday and pretended to have a heart attack. The cab driver left unpaid. Authorities say the man then ran up a $23 bill when he had a steak dinner at a restaurant. He again pretended to have a heart attack.

Now I'm going to have to get more creative.

A quick glance at my weekly planner shows that I'm going to need to fake blindness to get out of paying my gym membership, it's going to take a claim of pancreatic cancer to avoid sending in my car insurance, I'll need to convince people I'm having a stroke to manage to get my groceries for free, and, in order to avoid paying rent, I'm going to have to go back to playing dead.

No, This is Not a Hunger Strike

Climate change, what have you done now!?!

Despite the best efforts of the BHB, you are now stunting the growth of children.

Maria is fighting to live, wasting away in her remote village where aid officials say climate change has brought on a severe drought in recent years. It's nearly impossible for residents to live off the land like they have for generations. [...] As Fao speaks, she spoons glutinous rice into Maria's tiny mouth. The baby spits out most of it.

First, it's worth noting CNN's original, objective headline for this article. No, that's not a joke.

Second, it sounds to me like this is a classic case of confusing cause with effect.

Yes, this child--along with every other child on earth--will spit out whatever nasty rice you shovel into its face. But if you place a punch bowl full of Doritos in the same room, this child's appetite will miraculously appear. With a vengeance.

I had a cousin growing up who, during the first seven years of his life ate exactly 5 oz. of food from the dinner table. None of us suspected global warming, however, because there was not a Rice Krispie treat or Reeses Pieces in all of North America that was safe near this eating machine.

Organizations like Church World Service and CARE have established feeding and education centers to try to combat the crisis. The Indonesian government is also trying to address the crisis by supplying vitamin supplements to hard-hit families and other help, but aid groups say there is little cross coordination.

Now THIS sounds like a solution. I would like to offer these feeding education centers the use of this helpful BHB pamphlet (titled "How to Get Your Stunted Kids to Eat") free of charge.

Priorities: Nowhere to be Found

It's a good thing we wont consider drilling for our own oil, otherwise we wouldn't have the joy of enthusiastically and inextricably linking ourselves to these miserable [bleeps].

To enter Dubai's most notorious brothel, the Cyclone, I paid $16 for a ticket that the bursar stamped with the official seal of the Department of Tourism & Commerce Marketing. Prostitution is illegal in Dubai, whose laws are rooted in Islam, with penalties ranging up to death. But the stamp was only the first of several contradictions in a place of slavery for women that one well-travelled British monger referred to as "Disneyland for men." [...]

Dubai grew at breakneck speed during the 1990s, developing faster than any country on Earth. [...] But with breakneck growth came whiplash. As the U. A. E. steadily loosened barriers to investment and immigration, unscrupulous operators moved in. Drugsmuggling arrests increased 300% in the two years preceding my visit. And Dubai also became the Mecca of the new slave trade.

Yeah, let's put ourselves in a position where it is a life-and-death need to ally ourselves with places like this in order to keep a friendly supply of oil headed our way.

That is much better (repeat: much better) than inconveniencing a couple hundred caribou.

I wonder (and, yes, I genuinely wonder) if the lunatic environmental fringe will continue to enjoy putting $8.50 per gallon gas in their Prius when they learn that the guy who owns the oil fields producing that Super Unleaded spent his weekend at a casino in Qatar doing body shots off of a 14-year-old.

I am Not Shocked by This

I try to spend time with my distant relatives on occasion, but, every time I'm about to make the trip, they do something that redefines the known limits of stupidity.

My cousin Paul has really outdone himself this time.

A Wisconsin man who posted a video online showing him and his father shocking each other with a stolen stun gun has been sent to prison. Paul Crowell pleaded guilty to possession of an electric weapon and was sentenced June 20 to two years. Documents say he stole a Taser from an East Troy police officer. He got it while sitting in a patrol car after his vehicle was found in a ditch.

It looks like we'll have to go back to having bottle rocket wars next Christmas.

The Unrivaled Joy of the Olympic Trials

The U.S. Olympic Trials are one of my very favorite things to watch on TV. I'm even watching as I write this.

No matter what happens, there's always good news because, as my wife points out, "America always wins!" Darn right.

I've been watching NBC's wall-to-wall coverage of swimming and track-and-field all weekend, and I can't get enough. I'm even watching the weird events like backstroke or the steeplechase.

It's the latter of those two events that has really captivated me.

The premise is simple: We're going to have a bunch of guys run the 3,000 meters. But twice a lap they have to jump over a balance beam. Also, once a lap they have to run through a mud puddle.

It's easy to imagine the conversation the inventor of this race had with the promoter of the first track meet featuring this event.

Inventor: I have a great idea for your next meet.

Promoter: This isn't more of your nonsense about the "triple jump," is it?

Inventor: No, I think I've really got something this time. It's the regular 'ol 3,000m, but we throw in a couple of those mechanical arms that come down whenever a train is going by, and we include an in-ground kiddie pool midway through every lap.

Promoter: What the [bleep] are you talking about--it sounds like a less exciting version of the hurdles...

Inventor: Yes, but what it lacks in intensity, it makes up for with the metronomic leaping and splashing.

Promoter: Agreed.

But, of course, the genesis of this race was nothing like that at all. If ever there was an event that can trace it's origin back to a series of mistakes, it is this.

On race day, long ago, some poor promoter arrived at the track to find that someone had played a terrible trick on him: They'd covered the track with stolen traffic barriers (but, ironically, no steeples) and filled a hastily dug pit with water along the back straightaway.

The reaction: "No, gentleman, don't be alarmed. These updates to the track are merely part of a new event I have devised. What? Oh, umm... Well... I call it the... Steeplechase. Yes, that's right, in honor of steeples."

But this combination of elements to an otherwise simple 3K run is, ultimately, what makes it so compelling. Once upon a time, given the right conditions (i.e. more creative pranksters), I think that the steeplechase as we now have it might instead require its participants to milk a goat or play the ukulele while running the first and last lap.

And even though this new incarnation of the event would limit the number of times we get to see things like this, I still wouldn't miss a minute.

If You Live Within 600 Miles of LA, Run for Your Life -- And Put on Gloves

The AP has finally outdone itself.

Earlier today it posted the greatest story to ever go over the wire. I'm not exaggerating. At least, no very much.

The lead sentence alone would have put this story in the pantheon, but what followed in the subsequent paragraphs has put it way, way over the top.

There is no other way I can do this piece justice than to analyze it one piece at a time.

First, the landmark moment in lead sentences:

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

If you were bleeding profusely from the neck and had only seconds to spare in order to find an antidote for whatever neurotoxin was working its way through your system--if you saw this sentence you would drop everything and keep reading.

Someday this sentence will be studied by every journalism student on earth, and there will be communications schools at various colleges named things like, "The University of Minnesota Toilet-Trained Chimp School of Public Communication" and the "Oregon State Middle-Aged Chimp School of Mass Media."

So where did this delightful little primate come from? The AP has answers:

St. James Davis brought Moe home from Tanzania in 1967 after the baby primate lost his mother to poachers. He and his wife treated Moe as their surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV.

How sweet. That's like a Hallmark Channel episode just waiting to happen. Don't get me wrong, raising a chimpanzee like a child and sleeping with it is indicative of some massive emotional shortfalls in your personal life, but we look the other way on weirder stuff than this all the time.

But trouble was afoot, the AP explains. Divisive factions were working to splinter this happy home.

But local authorities didn't view Moe in the same light. For years, the Davises waged a legal battle to keep Moe in their home. They finally lost in 1999 when Moe bit part of a woman's finger off when she inserted her hand in his cage. The Davises said he mistook her red-painted fingernail for his favorite licorice.

Well, that seems like an honest mistake... I mean, I suppose it's possible that this highly intelligent animal could mistake fingers for candy. I'm sure he's never hurt anyone before...

The incident also came after Moe mauled a police officer's hand.

Oh dear...

So is the surrounding community worried that a finger-eating monkey is on the loose?

San Bernardino County officials were not involved in the search because the chimp did not pose an immediate threat to public safety.

Am I the only one connecting these dots?!? There is a chimp running through the woods outside Los Angeles with a demonstrated history of attacking people below the elbow.

And let's not forget this detail: He has been taught "to eat with a knife and fork." WHAT?!? Once his hand mauling started, WHY ON EARTH did his owners teach him to use weapons?!?

But, for the sake of this examination, let's set these alarming questions aside and focus on what has happened to Moe since these attacks:

Over the Davises' protests, Moe was taken to an animal sanctuary.

Oh, well that's good news, right? I'm sure this was the end of all the drama in the Davis' life.

But in 2005, when they took a cake to celebrate Moe's birthday with him, the couple was viciously attacked by two other chimpanzees who had escaped their cages.

Wow! But at least they got away unscathed!

The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs, before the sanctuary owner shot the animals to death.

OH MY [BLEEPING] UNSPEAKABLE [BLEEP]!!!!

If you lived to be 1,000 did you ever expect to read this sentence? Is this a situation you can even fathom?

Like most people, I keep a mental list of word combinations that I work very hard to avoid encountering in the same sentence.

Here's the first several bulleted items from my list:

Chimp attack : Testicles
Chewing : Nose
Biting off : Foot
Biting off : Testicles
Nearly killed : buttocks
Shot to death : Testicles

After reading today's story for the first time, I broke out in a cold sweat.

So, after all this, what do the Davis' have to say now that their monkey child is gone?

The couple, who have no children, broke down in tears at a press conference in Los Angeles. "What am I going to do?" sobbed LaDonna Davis. "He meant the world to us," said St. James Davis. "He was the best man at my wedding."

I'm speechless.

The Reformed Church of Peyote

People looking for god need look no farther than Baltimore.

A report released today details a 2002 Johns Hopkins experiment conducted on normal, willing citizens to study the effects of mushrooms. Yes, those mushrooms.

Or, said another way, my roommates from sophomore year got a grant from the government.

Follow up research discovered an interesting side effect amongst those in the study:

Two-thirds of them also said the drug had produced one of the five most spiritually significant experiences they'd ever had.

I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure the introduction of hallucinogens into your system is fairly incompatible with spiritual experiences, unless you are a Tarahumara Indian.

But, for the sake of argument, just how beautiful and richly spiritual were these experiences?

[A participant], in a telephone interview, recalled a powerful feeling of being out of control during her lab experience. "It was ... like taking off, I'm being lifted up," she said. Then came "brilliant colors and beautiful patterns, just stunningly gorgeous, more intense than normal reality." And then, the sensation that her heart was tearing open. "It would come in waves," she recalled. "I found myself doing Lamaze-type breathing as the pain came on."

Ummm....That's not a spiritual experience, that's an exorcism.

The Facts About Spiders

The website How Stuff Works is amusing in a "I always wanted to know more about torpedoes" sort of way, but sometimes their descriptions of the world's functionality gets a bit out of hand.

Case in point: How Spiders Work.

Ummm... I'm pretty sure I have this one figured out, fellas: They are scary, haunt my dreams, crawl into everyone's mouth and ears at night, and lie in wait to destroy mankind.

I should have my own website.

When This Involves Finally a Trebuchet, Then I'll Be Interested

It's apparently a slow news day in Nebraska.

Looking to break the monotony of 17 straight months of dispatching stories about prairie grass and bison mating, the local AP correspondent submitted news of this Hatfield-esque nefarity:

Lincoln police arrested a 49-year-old man accused of firing a crossbow at his neighbor. Officer Katie Flood said the man got into an argument with his 25-year-old neighbor about the breed of the neighbor's dog Saturday evening. The owner said the dog was a pit bull, but older man said it was a Labrador. [...] Officers said the man shot the crossbow when his neighbor tried to extend his hand to apologize.

You know what we called it back home when my dad shot at our neighbor with a crossbow?

Thursday.

Don't Just Put on Sunscreen, Put on Some Pants

People in northern Vermont are freaking out about naked people. Naked people in canoes and playing volleyball.

From the beach of Lake Willoughby's Southwest Cove, the sheer cliffs of Mount Pisgah tower over the deep, frigid water. [...] In the summertime, the beach offers a different view: naked sunbathers. Southwest Cove is one of the most famous nude beaches in the country, but there's a move under way to make people put their suits back on.

Why all this ruckus about naked people trying to enjoy some sandcastles?

Because all the naked people look a lot like this.